Year 2: 1994

Linda came into the city Thursday for Miss Saigon with David and Liz. Good show. I’d spent the day with Mark Netter brainstorming Prince of Persia: The Movie. Came up with some pretty good stuff, in six hours of concentrated rambling. This could be a fun movie to write.

On Friday, December 31, Oscar and Julia Neidecker-Gonzales drove up from DC on the spur of the moment, Karen and Wendy in tow, to join Linda and me for the matinee of Angels in America (Part One). Another good show. Then we got dressed to the nines and went out for New Year’s Eve, to a party downtown in SoHo. It was a good party, still jumping when we left at 4 a.m. in search of 24-hour hot bialys. Some memorable moments with people I’ll never see again. I wish I had just one picture of me and Linda and Sam that night.

Mailed off Yoana’s Yale application on the way to dinner, from the 8th Ave. Fed Ex station. Oscar approved of her essay. [His sister] Karen is applying too. Wouldn’t it be great if they both got in?

It was a good trip to NY. Didn’t get any work done, didn’t even try, but I saw a lot of everybody I wanted to see. New York has so much that San Francisco doesn’t have. Mainly what it has, for me, are memories. Layers on layers of them. 29 years’ worth.

“In Honduras I feel alive. Here, I feel dead,” said Karen (one of the few times she spoke the entire weekend, although she was always listening). That’s kind of how I feel in San Francisco.

In New York, for me, even the ghosts are alive.

Maybe that will change. Maybe it’s possible to transform your relationship to a place by the life you bring to it. Maybe by living intensely enough, risking all, I can bring myself to life in SF. Bring SF to life around me.

That’s my New Year’s resolution for 1994.

Still boarding. Damn, I could have spent another ten minutes talking to that staggeringly beautiful Argentine girl who’s going to London. Actually, the reason I got up and fled so suddenly was that the conversation was going so well, I didn’t know where to take it from there. Better to leave it as one of those encounters suspended in time, connected to nothing. It was pretty bold, for me. I crossed the room just to talk to her.

I lost my little book full of phone numbers. Oh well. A clean break with 1993.

A heck of a first day. Got up at 7, met Robert at the gym at 8, worked out for an hour and a half and then to the office for a LONG, FULL day getting back into the swing of things.

Caravan Pictures passed on Prince. Too bad.

Got Nicki started on mocking up a test dialog sequence (from The Lady Vanishes).

Tomi’s still obsessing about Dragon and Pete. If she mentions it one more time I’ll scream.

Robert’s full of energy and is cranking away. An invaluable partner.

The boys (Mark and Noel) are back in town.

Yesterday was MacWorld. Demoed Prince 2 for journalists. The product everyone was excited about was Myst (which won the Eddy last night, like Prince 1 did a year ago.)

Afterwards Robert and I went over to Drew Pictures (Iron Helix) for a party of developers like us. There were the Journeyman Project people, the Critical Path people, the Alice to Ocean people, and others. Not in attendance were Rand and Robyn, the heroes of the day. It was really good to meet all those folks who are in the same boat we are. We got to compare notes about sales, publishers, royalties, advances, budgets, etc. Reality check.

New publisher to check out: MediaVision.

Today I wrote a letter of recommendation for Yoana (first draft).

Nicole got a first pass dialog scene mockup up and running. Fun.

Greg called from my apartment in Paris. The Seine is overflowing its banks. I miss them all.

24 hours after I sent in my visa application, the French Embassy called. They’d received my application and, in their opinion, “that’s not the way to proceed.” The nice lady explained to me that since I’d answered “oui” to the question “Do you plan to carry out an activity remunerated in France?” my application would be rejected tout-de-suite. She suggested that I come to the embassy in person so we can sit down and figure out how to fix it.

“And by the way,” she added, “it’s absolutely necessary that you come in person to show us how to pass level 4 of Prince of Persia.”

Once again, Prince of Persia saves my neck. I went in, she helped me make the necessary changes with white-out, and introduced me to everybody in the office as a celebrity. The only problem was, by the time I got out of the embassy, it was after 4 p.m. and my car had been towed, but that wasn’t her fault.

Went back to the office on Sunday, found the boys there. I took pity and invited them over for dinner. Cooked spaghetti. Noel made garlic bread. We drank two bottles of wine. It was fun. They really are just kids.

Jon and I drove up to Broderbund to meet with Ken, Harry [Wilker], and Ed Auer, in the long-table board-of-directors conference room. First time I’d ever been in that room.

It was easier than I expected. It turns out they’re not all that hot to do Prince 3 in the first place, so what have we been arguing about? We parted on friendly terms with expressions of desire to work together again on something, etc. Load off my mind. Now we can just concentrate on Express for a while, while Robert and I leisurely dream of Project X.

Robert and I have been meeting at 8 every morning to lift weights or play squash.

Bit by bit, Express is coming together. Maybe I’m just stupid, but I don’t feel overwhelmed by it yet. ’94 is off to a good start.

There was an earthquake in L.A. and a big storm in NY. It was a crystal clear day, cold and sunny like Martin Luther King’s birthday. Robert broke up with Julie. I nearly got rear-ended on the Embarcadero but turbo and good tires saved me.

Robert’s leaving for DC tomorrow. “I don’t know why I’m going at this point,” he said. Poor guy.

Today in a massive surge of effort I got organized, cleaned out my desk, and printed out the complete, 300-page (so far) Express Bible. Robert got the new network running (christened: Hopey).

Nicki left for Sundance with Terry (earthquake victim). Jon left for Dallas.

It’s going to be a lonely week in the office.

Robert’s back. Took him to dinner at Pasha’s. Jilal was delighted to see me after such a long absence (since the Prince 2 party). “It’s like you’re a hero,” Robert said.

Robert’s in a new frame of mind. He’s done mourning Julie and ready to face the future. “From now on, when we go out, we go OUT.” He wants to take an Italian class.

Hashed out some good points on the screenplay at lunch with Tomi today. It’s amazing, we keep fighting and it keeps getting better.

Mark and Noel made their milestone. Robert and I took them to dinner at Fog City Diner.

I’m going to L.A. Wednesday to meet an agent recommended by Dick Gersh.

Sent off Yoana’s financial aid forms. The last of it. Whew. That turned out to be quite a project.

I’ve spent about $300K so far on Smoking Car. At times, I idly wonder: what if everybody just up and left? I guess I’d write off the loss and go back to France. The money seems as unreal as everything else.

For the moment, though, it looks like we’re doing it.

Went to LA, met Fred Amsel. Tooling about quakestruck LA in a blue Miata with the top down.

Dinner with George, Sue and Mario.

Last week was great. We really cranked on Express.

Drove home from my date with Eileen with a big stupid grin on my face and stood outside in the rain after locking the garage door enjoying the sensation of the drops splatting on my head. What can this mean?

A day in the slough of despair. At the office till 10. Last night it was 1 a.m. Everything but work seems to have fallen away. How did that happen?

quand le ciel bas et lourd pèse comme un couvercle
sur l’esprit gémissant en proie aux longs ennuis
et que de l’horizon embrassant tout le cercle
il nous verse un jour noir plus triste ques les nuits

it’s been like that these last couple of days.

Just called Patrick. Oh man I want to go to Paris. Just for a week even. I need to do something to shake me up, get me out of this cycle of work and work and

Johnny tu n’es pas un ange

Yesterday was a big day at the office. Don is back! Oh sweet relief. I hadn’t realized how half-scared I was that he’d never come back from Australia. Nicki’s graphics tests are looking promising. Robert and the kids are cranking. This game is going to be awesome.

I could write 15 pages every day just about what happens at the office, but who’d read it?

My last day. Lined up enough stuff to keep Nicki busy for the week I’ll be away. Drove over to Don’s and spent a happy hour comparing photos of train compartment interiors, cross-referencing car numbers, and trying to determine which ones might have been “ours” in 1914. I have a dream job.

I’m going to Paris!

Greg and Patrick met me at the airport. Greg was holding a sign that said “Smoking Car.” Patrick handed me the keys to the Peugeot. I drove us back to the Ile St-Louis in a light rain and heavy traffic. Strange and wonderful and haunting to be back. Six months bridged, the gap closed in a single 11-hour leap of a Boeing 767.

Patrick and I decided that Sandrine must come to SF immediately. We descended into the smoke-filled “atelier” where Emmerich lay on the dusty wooden floor silently smoking, called Sandrine in Argentan and told her the news. She was euphoric. She can’t wait to get out of France.

I am the bringer of light and energy. As soon as I arrive, things start to move. Nice effect to have on people. If only I could bottle it.

Patrick’s having a rough time here. It’s been hard for him to see everyone going off to start a new life in San Francisco.

For the past six months in SF, I’ve been soothing myself with the fantasy: if this game blows up in my face, I can always go back to Paris. Now I’m facing the reality that 8 rue Boutarel is no longer home. The only unusual thing about this situation is that when I moved out, I didn’t take my stuff with me. It’s still here.

It’s funny how you never know your real reasons for doing things until long after you’ve done them.

Today Patrick and I drove to the Armistice clearing to take another look at that car of Marechal Foch’s, now that we know better what we’re looking at. Patrick shot two rolls of clandestine photos of the exterior while I distracted the guard. Had a late lunch at a brasserie in Compiegne, and I slept through the drive back to Paris through stop-and-go traffic.

Greg and I went to Aquaboulevard (hideous place) to play squash with a guy named Philippe, who turned out to be pretty cool despite working in the Ministry of Finance. Patrick joined us at Bateau Ivre for another smoke-filled, two pitchers-of-wine, till-3-a.m. conversation. Ah, France. It’s starting to come back to me.

Sandrine said goodbye to everyone in Argentan telling them she’s going off to America. We’re expecting her in S.F. on the 20th.

I had lunch at Delphine. Dany gave me the names of a couple of people to contact at EA and Sony.

The deeply ironic link between the 1918 signing of the Armistice and the 1914 Orient Express is explored on pages 184-87 of my graphic novel memoir Replay, and in the related Replay Annex entry.

Drove to Neuilly for lunch with Denis, Dominique, and the two marketing people who constitute Psygnosis France. Then to the B.N. for a couple of hours of O.E. research with Patrick and Greg.

Went to Lobna’s place at Trocadero and sat on her bed and watched her TV movie, Leila: Née en France.

All my exes live in Texas
That’s why I reside in Tennessee.

It’s snowing.

Three days back. Crawling into full gear at the office.

Mark Netter’s coming up from L.A. to help organize the test shoot.

We interviewed Francesca Prada to be a production manager or assistant.

Visited Don Grahame. It was his birthday.

Happy hour at Mondo Media with John Evershed, etc. There were giant life-size cardboard cutouts of Eileen everywhere.

Mark Netter’s here. He’s crashing at my place tonight. Tomorrow we’ll get an early start and dive right into it.

Things are starting to jump.

Been playing lots of squash.

A good first day. Set Mark up with a desk and a phone. He fits in splendidly. This is, really, quite an assemblage of people. It feels like we’re just hanging out and fooling around but, by God, we’re getting it done. This shoot is going to happen.

Wrote in a role for Eileen as Gregor’s comrade-in-arms (formerly Constantin, now a woman). I was sure Tomi and Robert would show me no mercy, but to my surprise they both agreed it’s more interesting this way.

Spring cleaning. My place is once again ship-shape. A few more pieces of furniture acquired in the course of a Saturday spent zipping around town with the top down. Today Tomi saw my place for the first time. She was impressed. I like it myself; it’s got a sort of warm comfortable masculine feeling.

Stopped by Don’s and saw the first partial test render of the corridor wall. Wow. This is going to be amazing.

Friday at Broderbund with Robert. Spent the morning spreading sunshine on three floors. Lunch with Ken Goldstein. It’s good to stop in now and then.

Sandrine’s coming in tonight.

Sandrine’s asleep in the other room with “Arizona Dream” playing very low on the stereo.

Had Robert over, cooked pasta. Bottle of wine Sandrine brought on the plane. First meal at home in ages. Even doing dishes felt good. I should cook at home more often.

Today Mark and Francesca took over the office. They had people coming and going, phones ringing off the hook. An amazing first day. There’s no stopping the test shoot now. Just write another $20,000 worth of checks and boom.

It’s terrifying, actually. The thing is out of my control. I’ve created a monster.

Sandrine misses Patrick, she doesn’t speak English yet, the future is uncertain, and I’m too preoccupied to be cheering her up the way I should be.

I understand why people take sleeping pills. I’d do just about anything right now to lose consciousness.

Terry gave Tomi and me notes on the screenplay. Some good ideas. Francesca gave me a backrub. I needed it.

The pace is exhausting, exhilarating.

The Shoot!

It’s 10:45 pm and I am going to SLEEP big time but before I do let me say

it was great —

Sat with Donald till 1 am last night rendering the images we used today,

up at 6:45 this morning to be at City Stage by 7:45,

the machine has done its job and now it is going to

c r a s h

Postman brought the mail this morning. Thick letter from Yale. I could read through the envelope the words “Welcome to Yale.” They’ve offered Yoana a full scholarship.

Wow!

If I get run over by a truck tomorrow, at least I’ve done one good thing in my life.

Post-shoot, the project is starting to move.

Mark, Nicki, Robert and I went to Varitel at 9 pm to sit in on the D1 transfer. Watched the footage for the first time. Looks pretty good, except for a few glitches which fortunately shouldn’t pose a big problem.

Life is sweet.

Film night. Showed Waiting for Dark, Suspended Abbey, Ivy and Ice, and (at my insistence, over Mark’s protestations) My Night in Bohemia, which everybody loved. Good fun.

Tomorrow is Mark’s last day.

I asked Eileen if she’d like to play a Serbian terrorist and get to fight on top of a train. She yelped: “Oh! I’d pay you to let me do it!” Heh heh.

Work work work

Been going out every night with Sam and Sandrine.

Those two are TIRING me. I’m not twenty years old any more.

Full day at the office

Flat, Stale, Weary and Listless, Attorneys at Law.

Dinner with Dany Boolauck. We talked about women, life, love, ambition, etc.

Siomara called from Cuba! Yoana’s going. They’ll send her in June or July to stay with relatives in Miami, learn some English, buy some clothes before she starts Yale in September.

Wow.

March POP royalties came in at only $12,000. Whump! I just spent $30,000 into capital this month. A few more lean months and I could start to be in trouble.

I’m cranking on the character logic.

Francesca’s first day. We took major strides towards getting the office organized. Bringing order out of chaos.

Nicki’s first day back. She got the character walk up and running in Director. Looks like the alignment is OK. We’re days away from that magic moment when we’ll see a real character walking against a real rendered background.

Dinner with Robert, Nicki, Terry at Campo Santo.

Strangely comforting to wake up in the anonymity of a hotel room.

Spent all day yesterday at the CGDC in Santa Clara. Gina Smith interviewed me for NPR. Margot Comstock invited me to be on a panel about “Passion and Integrity in Game Design.” Lots of people came up to me and told me they’d played Karateka and POP. Lunch with Rob Martyn. Dinner with Rusel and Alex, who is now his girlfriend. She’s really cool. He met her at the same party I met Eileen.

Left CGDC yesterday after lunch leaving Robert, Mark and Noel to carry the Smoking Car banner to the banquet. Driving back in the rain, I rear-ended a Plymouth. Had to have my car towed away. It looked expensive.

I went to the office, found Francesca and Nicki there. Went to dinner with Francesca (Michelangelo’s), drank a bottle of wine.

When Sandrine saw me she said: “You must have been hurt in the accident, because you smell bad. I could tell when I kissed you. You should take aspirin and go straight to bed.”

Woke up at 5 a.m. (comme d’habitude). Everything means something, even a car accident. I’ve been living life as if it were a game to be won. Life is not winnable. I need to give myself room to breathe.

Long talk with Robert. He’d been stewing over a lot of things and it was good to get them out into the open.

I’m not the world’s greatest communicator. Tomi once said to me: “You’re not manipulative, but sometimes your manner makes you come across as a manipulator. People think you’re trying to pull something over on them even though you’re not.” Now I have corroboration on that, sort of, from Robert, and (indirectly) Mark and Noel. I need to learn to be more blunt and straightforward.

Next week I’ll make a point of talking to Mark, Noel, Nicki, Tomi, and (of course) Robert individually. Ask them their hopes, fears, etc., talk about what they want out of this situation and what I (we) want from them. Get those employment agreements written and signed! Wipe out ambiguities! etc.

Got a cavity filled. While I was still high on nitrous I took a walk around the block, saw a pretty girl going into Café Claude, walked out with her phone number and her friend’s. I should go to the dentist more often.

Talked with Mark and Noel. I think we’re squared away.

Signed the lease, picked up the keys to my new apartment. Sandrine was there to give me a kiss.

I’m going to NY to see my dad and some other people I love and don’t see very often.

Gotta keep reminding myself that the most important reality doesn’t thrust itself on you clamoring for your attention. It’s up to you to notice it and see it and pull it out into the light and give it its due. That’s what makes you active and not passive. You can’t just idle along waiting for crises to develop.

[Chappaqua] Morris picked me up at the airport, brought me back to the house in Merrick, had a sandwich at a deli, changed and drove to Suny Purchase for the André Watts concert. Dad was shocked to see me; he had tears in his eyes. He couldn’t believe I’d come all this way just for his birthday.

This event is detailed in Chapter 7 of my graphic novel memoir, Replay. You can see the related Replay Annex notes for page 219 and page 226.

Who am I?

The challenge I face now is, somehow, to integrate all the different parts of me into a whole being. I’m split geographically between Paris, NY, Havana, SF; my heart is split between my friends, my family, my loves, my work; I rocket back and forth between these poles of attraction as if speed were the way to be in all places at once. Trying to lose myself in action, creating challenges so drastic that they force me to change, to grow, to meet them.

The course I set for myself when I left SF nearly four years ago has made my life richer and more adventurous than I dreamed of. Now, I’ve gone far enough in the direction of outward action. It’s time for the pendulum to swing back. Time to pause the frenzied quest for excitement, to seek meaning in the everyday, the familiar.

Work is a part of my life; but it’s not me.

My goal should be to be content with myself, by myself. With my family and my friends.

To become myself. Become who I am.

Clichés-“R”-Us

“A candle just brought in gradually lit up the study and its familiar details became visible... When he saw all this, he was overcome by a momentary doubt of the possibility of starting the new life of which he had been dreaming on his way. All these traces of his old life seemed to seize hold of him and say, ’No, you will not escape us and will not be different, but will remain as you have been: full of doubts; full of dissatisfaction with yourself, and of vain attempts at improvement followed by failure, and continual hopes of the happiness which has escaped you and is impossible for you.’”

Last night I walked into my apartment reading a letter I’d just opened, picked up the phone, checked my messages, scratched my ass, and didn’t even realize I wasn’t alone until Sandrine spoke from the other room: “Bonjour Jordan!” She was curled up on the couch with a book and couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed her there.

Broderbund/EA merger is off.

Prince 2 Mac signed out today.

Saw Diana up and walking against Don’s rendered corridor for the first time. Pretty damned impressive.

Ordered pizza. Spent a quiet evening at home reading Anna Karenina and listening to music. Wow... I got my wish.

It’s a clear deep blue night. Sandrine and I spent the evening packing. In six hours, we’ve turned this place from fully lived-in to a pile of sealed-up cartons. That’s gotta be the fastest packing job I ever did.

Showed Tomi the new apartment. She approves.

Last night I had dinner with Tomi in Mill Valley (Goro’s Robata) then drove back to Folsom St. to visit Donald. He was just at the point of starting to do finished renders, finally, after eight weeks of work on the sleeping car. We drank champagne.

Tomi is sure Donald was the laughing naked man she saw on the Golden Gate Bridge a few years ago. That worries me.

Tomi came over in the morning and we spent a merry hour rearranging furniture until Robert got here. It was a scheduled “retreat day” for the three of us to work on the story. I’d say we did OK, if only on the morale front.

Robert saw Clara last night and is a happy man. We sat on the roof in the blazing sun with the city spread out before us while Tomi napped below.

Yesterday, Yale told me the State Dept. will absolutely no way ever give Yoana the visa. I was so upset about that, I didn’t even write it in my journal. I broke the news via fax to Aarón in Madrid. Today, Yale called back and agreed to go ahead and issue the I-20 anyway and hope for the best.

Stayed at the office till 11 p.m. Donald brought over the first set of renders. He’s been working around the clock.

Offered Patrick a summer job. Assistant director for a CD-ROM game. (The director is afraid of being so besieged with technical stuff, he won’t be able to focus on the actors.) He’s coming next week. Great!

Donald brought by a more complete set of renders. For the first time, we can click through the train and it actually looks like a train. Wow.

The next three months until the shoot are going to be killer. Basically, they’re the most important three months of the whole project. I need to

• finish writing the screenplay
• systematize and pull together all aspects of the game design
• make a deal with a publisher and/or get an infusion of cash from somewhere
• record all the dialog
• storyboard and mock up the NISes [non-interactive sequences]
• pre-production: casting, costumes, etc.

And then we shoot.

Three and a half months from now, the shoot will be over and post-production begins. What happens between now and then will determine the course of the rest of the project.

No time for vacations, no time to lose focus. Got to keep my head clear, body in shape, emotions on an even keel. Focused. Organized. Efficient.

Everything I do outside the office now is only to keep me sane and in form. It’s not the main show.

This is what I chose a year and a half ago when I left France. I could have kept travelling and remained a free spirit, but I chose this. A chance that comes once in a lifetime if you’re lucky. I took it, now here it is.

Don’t begrudge a minute you spend on this project in the next three months.

Spent five hours with Donald setting corridor eyepoints.

Housewarming party was generally deemed a success.

Gary Rosenberg met me for coffee early this morning on Taylor & Sacramento and told me stories about my grandfather. Touching guy.

Drama at the office, Tomi and Nicki and Robert and things turning upside down and back again all in one day. Need to rally the troops tomorrow.

Worked out, saw Four Weddings and a Funeral (alone). First time I’d been to a movie in ages. I told Sandrine the story when I got home.

Lunch with Tomi at Bix.

“You’ll always be solitary and yearning and a little unsettled,” she said. “It’s your nature. Don’t worry about it.”

Spent this Saturday morning at the office, writing dialog. Lunch at the counter at House of Nanking. It was nice being alone in the office.

I don’t need to search for my identity in someone else or some new place or activity or whatever. I just need to pull together all the strands of who I already am, where I come from and what I care about, pull them in from the corners of my past and wear it like a comfortable old sweater. To arrive at a party or a club or a game of Ultimate not looking around as if to say “Will I find what I’m looking for here?” but bringing it with me. To be the one who offers rather than the one who asks.

What Nietzsche said.

Patrick’s here! Picked him up at the airport. He had long hair. Brought him back to surprise Sandrine. Maria came over for dinner, I cooked pasta, everyone got sleepy.

Long day at the office. Patrick’s already bringing me good energy; I knew he would.

Patrick’s theory of life: “Add, don’t subtract.”

Last night was George’s and Sandrine’s birthday. We went to the Tonga Room and Miss Pearl’s Jam House.

The apartment upstairs from mine is coming available June 15. The guy who lives there now showed it to me during the housewarming party and again yesterday. I want it.

Yesterday I picked up my “visa de long sejour” at the French consulate. They treated me like a celebrity; it was hilarious. I have to go to France to pick up my “carte de sejour” by August 25.

David and Liz are visiting. Drove to Point Reyes. Patrick and I swam in the ocean and I practiced handstands in the sand.

First day back at the office after the long weekend. Everyone was there but Tomi. Visited Don in the afternoon, set some compartment eyepoints.

Another spectacular sunny morning here on the roof deck. The bay shimmering by the bridge. A gentle layer of fog over Alcatraz, behind Coit Tower. That delicate spring feeling in the air.

Sandrine’s off to work. Patrick, David and Liz still sleeping.

Today started two days ago. Thursday in the office preparing for the Broderbund demo on Friday. Nicki and Mark and Noel didn’t go home at all. Robert caught two hours of sleep, I got four. Came back at nine and did the demo for Ken and Brian. It went over well, although we didn’t have as much to show as we’d hoped (that’s another story).

Lunch with Tomi, Jon, Francesca, and Robert at Enrico’s. Drove up to Broderbund with David to pick up the Computer Gaming World award they gave to Prince 2 at the company meeting. That was fun. Then to the East Bay for dinner at Rusel and Alex’s.

Halfway through dinner David announced he wasn’t feeling well. It looked like he was coming down with the flu or something. So we got out of there.

When we got home Sam was standing out on the sidewalk in front with my phone in his hand. “This party south of Market is raging,” he said. “Park and run up and change and let’s go!” I had a hard time parking. My usual illegal spot on the sidewalk at the top of the hill was occupied by three cars. Beth was getting out of one of them as I drove by. I parked super-illegally in the crosswalk at the bottom of the hill.

Only when I opened the door to my apartment and saw Brian Eheler did it occur to me that I had missed certain clues. Tomi, Jon, the Swiss girls from Greenwich St., Tom Marcus, Letitia, Francesca, Robert and Clara were among the first faces I registered. The place was festively decorated and filled with people. Mo and Lisa and Ayman, Larry Meyers’ brother, Dana and his new girlfriend, Hervé, Elie, Donald and Mirabeth, Stacy, Tim, Rob and Kelly, Patrick and Sandrine, Gary Rosenberg and his friend Greg, Lianna and her girlfriends, Eileen... I was in a state of shock. It turned out they’d pulled my phone list off my Mac and spent the last week calling people.

Wow. I’m 30.

Took David and Liz to the airport this morning, rode back with Tomi. It was great having them here. “You got a nice pal,” said Patrick.

Today we dove right into it, Robert and I, our separate tasks. Lunch with Tomi and Patrick, excited discussions all day, hammered out a lot of stuff. Mark Netter is back!

It was a good day.

Another maximal day at the office. Dinner with Tomi at Square One. Cranking on the dialogs.

No room for anything else, appetite for everything, burning fuel like there’s no tomorrow. This is how it should be.

Two back-to-back days of heat like New York, like L.A., like nothing I remember from previous San Francisco summers. It had to be a hundred degrees plus in the office with all the windows open.

Showed Doug the game. He was impressed.

The dialogs are getting better day by day. Patrick is helping a lot. We’re putting a lot of subtle interactive touches into it that (I think) will make all the difference.

Life is this project, the project is life.

So far I’m enjoying my 30s.

Saturday in the office working over dialog. Mark Netter helped me by being there. Worked out, got a squash game, went to a party on Russian Hill.

At the office till one a.m. with Mark Netter listening to audition tapes. They were horrifically bad. We’re thinking about moving the casting effort to L.A. and recording there.

Left the office in chaos. Late yesterday afternoon Mark and I spoke to Bill Jones and Phil Kaplan again about the SAG/AFTRA issue. It looks like we have no choice but to talk to the union and make a special deal, like EA and Crystal Dynamics before us. “We’re on the cutting edge of the law here!” said Phil cheerfully. When you hear your lawyer say that, your heart should sink. Fortunately, Mark’s first conversation with AFTRA was encouraging; they seem quite reasonable. So far.

We gave the go-ahead to an L.A. casting agent — Bob Lloyd, the Voicecaster. See what he can come up with and if it’s better than the San Francisco talent. Meanwhile, I’m taking the script with me to Aspen. I want to make this dialog as good as it can be before we roll tape. It needs more richness, more variety in the characterizations — the way people talk, their turns of phrase. It’s too wordy, too speechy, it all needs to be trimmed way down, made more immediate, more back-and-forth. I wish I had 100% of my time free to be a screenwriter instead of just 20%. The script needs it.

I’ve hardly been writing in this journal at all. I’m trying to think what interesting things have happened lately...

Got a call from Elaine Kaufman at ICM in New York. She seems to be a pretty high-powered agent, representing Julia Roberts, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, and the Coen brothers. She said she was playing Prince of Persia on her Powerbook on the Concorde with Joe Roth and Bill Block and they said to each other: “This is the future! We should represent this guy!” So she’s flying to San Francisco with Bill Block on July 14 to meet me.

Francesca had fun putting Elaine off for a week until I could finally speak with her. It turns out she’s dating Michelle Thomas’s brother (the girl who came to Mario’s party in Paris last summer, who knows Grandpa from the beach in Rockaway and remembers Kooky magazine). Small world. Michelle called from Paris to tell me. It turns out that particular Concorde flight was what led Joe Roth’s Caravan Pictures to call me about POP.

Airports make me think of ex-girlfriends. And future ex-girlfriends I haven’t met yet.

Had dinner with Tomi (Square One) before she left. She’s afraid all her friends will turn their backs on her once she gets married. I assured her I won’t let anyone take her desk. The main thing is, our miraculous friendship seems to be intact.

I knew she was feeling guilty and bad about having so little time to work on Express. In a burst of sentiment I paid her a spontaneous tribute, told her how much she’d contributed to the story. I was surprised to see tears spring to her eyes. “Thank you,” she said, and squeezed my hand.

Siomara has left me a series of phone messages narrating the progress of Yoana’s visa application. They’re waiting for a decision from Washington. Are there any strings I can pull? It seems monstrous that after all this, whether she gets to accept Yale’s invitation will depend on some anonymous bureaucrat.

Sandrine’s got a job working in the kitchen at La Folie.

Broderbund’s response to our demo (and our proposal) has been as prompt and respectful as one could hope for. Brian’s bringing Harry Wilker and Bill McDonagh to see what he and Ken saw. I’ll be amazed if they give us the 25% royalty and $600K advance we asked for, but at least they’re taking us seriously.

Meanwhile, Jon’s put in calls to EA and Sony. So it begins.

The project is constantly on the verge of going out of control. Egos and tensions are running high; Robert and Nicki and I are spread as thin as can be; the programmers are like a pair of delinquent children, Nicki their scorned elder sister, Robert and I their concerned parents. We need another artist, another engineer, better organization, better communication. Robert and I had lunch yesterday, one-on-one for the first time in ages. We’re like a married couple, so caught up in the daily chaos of work and family that we have no time for each other. It’s exhausting, exhilarating, I can’t see beyond this or imagine things being any other way, but some part of me knows that when it’s over, I’ll look back on it and be amazed...

Downstairs neighbor Maryse gave me the best massage I’ve ever had. It was sublime. Oh, how I needed it.

What a week.

Casting began Tuesday. A stream of actors and assorted oddballs passing through the office. Mark and Patrick and me in the back room with a Hi-8 camera, Hello, I’m Mark, this is Jordan, make yourself comfortable, where are you from? And my real education as a director began.

Wednesday, demoed the game for Electronic Arts (Don Traeger). I think he was dazzled.

First casting tapes arrived from L.A. Ongoing discussion: Union or non-union? L.A. or S.F., or some screwball combination? Listening to tapes, watching tapes. Talk talk. Dinner in Fairfax, Pat and Sand cooked for Nicki and Terry and Robert and me, we drank five bottles of red wine and stayed till two a.m. talking through the script.

Thursday, more auditions at the office. More elderly Russians who don’t speak English. More young Serbo-Croatians who don’t speak English. More Caths who can’t pronounce “Sarajevo.” And in the midst of it, an amazing woman named Ingeborg who blew our L.A. Annas away. Union or non-union? Scheduled more L.A. auditions with the Voicecaster. Still no decent Cath. Jordan finally starting to learn how to direct actors. Long way to go. Late in the day, a crazy idea suggested by Patrick in the morning: Why not switch the roles of Milos and Vesna?... Two more Caths, the last one at midnight. In bed by two. Up at 5:30 to drive to the airport with Mark, spend the morning at the Voicecaster’s auditioning L.A. actors.

Some decent Caths at last. Union, of course. A Tatiana who upon callback proved susceptible to direction and blew us all away. (Union.) Anna callbacks. Ingeborg still leading the pack. (Non-union.) Fish and chips with Mark, the hot sidewalks of Burbank, forgot my sunglasses. Martha drove me to the airport, made the 4:50 flight. I need sleep.

Current dream cast:

• ANNA — Ingeborg (SF, non-union)
• CATH — James (LA, union)
• TATIANA — Yelena (LA, union)
• ALEXEI — Mikhail (SF, non-union)
• KRONOS — Mujahid (SF, non-union)

and the either-ors:

• AUGUST — Andreas (LA) or Karl (SF)
• ABBOT — Eric (LA) or Chris (SF)
• MILOS — Rad (LA) or Zoran (LA/SF)
• VESNA — Dunya (LA) or Danica (SF)
• VASSILI — Vladimir (LA) or Anatoly (SF)

Looks like we’re going union, unless we see a Cath tomorrow at callbacks who blows us away. A crazy mix of L.A. and S.F., union and non-union. A scheduling nightmare. If it weren’t for Cath and Tatiana we could happily go S.F. and non-union, blow off the $2500 we’ve spent in L.A. But there is Cath and there is Tatiana. Will we have to negotiate a deal with the union and Taft-Hartley a lot of S.F. non-union people? Crazy that at this late date, we still don’t know.

[2 a.m.] Another long long day at the office.

This morning, the first S.F. Cath walked in and blew Patrick and me away. The roulette wheel finally stopped and it’s... San Francisco, Non-Union! Only question (assuming all the actors we like can do it and will do it... knock on wood): Tatiana. If we could wheedle, bribe or cajole Martha (at Voicecasters) into slipping us Yelena’s phone number, get her up here for a day and have her do it dark, the world would be a beautiful place...

Ingeborg came back and read (with Scott Palmer). I didn’t even realize till it was over that it was, in fact, the first time I’d directed real actors in a real scene. “You’re doing good,” Patrick said. “You’re giving me a complex.”

Newsflash: Mujahid is union! Four out of our S.F. cast turn out to actually be union, yet were willing to audition to work dark. Strange world this is.

Earthquake about 15 minutes ago. Felt like a truck hit the side of the building. Over in about a second.

[11:30] Home before midnight! Stop the presses!

Today we locked our cast, printed out dialog pages, made up packets for all the actors and sent them out... We got Yelena!! Visited the recording studio for the first time (Zoetrope); it’s a really pleasant place — it even looks like the smoking car.

I’m so wired these days when I get home, I can’t sleep right away.

Tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. we demo for Broderbund (Bill McDonagh, Harry Wilker, John Baker, Brian and Ken).

Sunday I drove with Danica to a Serbian Orthodox church in Moraga and took her to lunch (Nob Hill Café). She talked me out of Patrick’s idea of switching the roles of Milos and Vesna. Danica’s an interesting woman.

Tomorrow we’ve got Ingeborg and C.W. coming in for rehearsals. Separately. (This way, they can meet on the train.) Scheduled a rehearsal for August Wednesday night, at the end of the first day of taping. The others (Abbot, Kronos) I figure we won’t need to rehearse. I’m not worrying about the Serbs and Russians yet.

Saturday is Russian day. Yelena is flying up from LA. Save the toughest day for last, so we won’t worry if we go late.

The next five days should be pretty special.

Patrick has vanished.

[10 p.m.] First two days went well. We wrapped August, Abbot, Kronos and Anna. Only Serbs and Russians remain.

You can’t imagine how exhausted I am at the end of each 8-hour day. I thought film shoots were taxing, but voice recording is more. Now I see why union scale is an 8-hour day for film but a 4-hour day for voice.

It’s a thrill hearing these scenes come to life. Chris (Abbot) and Karl (August) were hilarious; C.W. (Cath) and Ingeborg (Anna) are solid. It’s awe-inspiring to watch them breathe life into these characters that up until two days ago existed only on paper. I wish Tomi were here to see it.

Day by day, I’m learning how to direct actors. It’s an education.

Today, with Karl and Ingeborg, for the first time I let them improvise. Now that was exciting. If I ever make a feature, I’ll cast it early on, do read-throughs, let the actors improvise, take notes, and write that stuff into the script. Improvising in the studio, like we did today, is good for background walla (which is what I wanted it for), but there’s too much time pressure to use it for anything else.

I could see that Ingeborg was sad when it was over. Post-shoot blues.

I’m wired, yet exhausted. My whole body is aching.

[1 a.m.] Serb day. Danica was great. Zoran was OK in the end, but he took a lot of work. Could have used a rehearsal day.

Took the evening off, went to dinner and a movie (“Wolf”) with Robert. I needed that.

I’m moving upstairs. Next week, probably.

[11 p.m.] Wrapped Russian Day. Smoking Car dinner at Icon (9th and Folsom). Afterwards we all went out dancing at DNA. Stopped by Donald’s afterwards (at 2 a.m.) to see his latest render. It’s really looking amazing.

Spent today (Sunday) with Yelena, showing her the city. Fillmore Jazz Festival, Fort Point, Coit Tower.

My first day off.

Voice recording is over. Sigh.

Fourth of July party at Robert’s. Watched the fireworks from Coit Tower.

Demoed the project for Steve Race of Sony.

long day at the office

Took the sound tapes to be transferred. Hopefully we can start editing on Friday.

Got a fax from Broderbund with Their Offer. It’s very decent for an opening offer. Coming from Broderbund, it’s incredible. If we can get EA into the bidding, we should be in great shape.

It’s sort of a milestone, really. I’ve sunk two years and $400K of my own money into this thing, operating basically on faith. Now, from the outside world comes the first concrete validation that I’m not completely crazy.

Mujahid stopped by the office to pick up his check. Francesca said he took her aside and questioned her extensively about me, who I was and what I’d done. Apparently he was impressed with my directing. I’d already basked in the glow of praise from Patrick and Virginia, but it’s nice to hear it from an actor.

The State Dept. turned down Yoana’s visa application.

We’re not going to leave it at that.

[midnight] Spent the weekend at the office editing sound files. Saturday afternoon I drove up to Healdsburg, visited Jon and Ginger and the kids.

Tomi is back! I played the sound files for her this morning. I’m so happy to see her.

[11:30 pm] long day at the office

It’s like a playroom: Patrick and me on the floor, Patrick making a dollhouse train model out of foam core, me reading comic books and 1914 magazines, Xeroxing period references; Nicki playing movies on videodisc and grabbing frames for storyboarding.

More sound editing with Tomi at my elbow.

Sent off letters to Broderbund and EA.

Doug and Tomi and Robert over for dinner. They discovered their wedding present sitting in the middle of my dining room, wrapped in a red ribbon (a teak outdoor table with umbrella and chairs, destined for their deck).

The storyboarding has begun. It’s intense. After the first day, I realized it was looking like TV, brought in The Third Man and Citizen Kane for visual inspiration. I see no reason why we shouldn’t go over the top into comic-book/Expressionist style. Patrick and Nicki agree. But, man, it’s hard to find good angles. This is work!

Demoed the game for EA (2nd time). Don Traeger came back bringing their Technical Director, an impressive French guy named Luc Barthelet. He asked all the right questions. They seem very interested.

Also demoed for a young guy from Imagineer who’d flown down from Seattle to see us.

I love my apartment.

[midnight] Storyboarding continues apace.

Worked out at the gym this afternoon. Gave me a new lease on the day. I’ve got to remember to keep doing that, otherwise I’ll burn myself out. I’ve basically been living at the office.

Tonight was special: stopped by Safeway with Patrick, took a taxi home, cooked roast beef. This cooking thing has potential. Sandrine came in from Fairfax, but both of them were beat. For once I outlasted them.

Jon’s been talking to Don Traeger, got him up to $1.2 million and 22-25%. Pretty damn good deal. EA really wants us. (Gulp!) This is a big decision.

Everyone keeps asking if we don’t want to become an affiliated label. Are we missing a golden opportunity here?

Important innovations with Patrick and Nicki yesterday and today. We tried putting a border around the image. It makes a big difference.

Tom Marcus came by today, saw the office and the game for the first time. Talked business with Jon and me.

Been studying “Shadow of a Doubt” for inspiration. Hitchcock is amazing. I bow my head.

Today Jon and Robert and I drove down to EA for a day of meetings. Don Traeger, Luc Barthelet, Nancy Smith (VP Sales), Larry Probst (CEO), and (briefly) Bing Gordon.

I gotta say, I was impressed. They put on a good show, made a good pitch, allayed most of our fears, painted a glowing picture of the future. It’s clear they want us, and although it’s still the afterglow of a first date, they’re looking mighty appealing.

Lunch with Jon and Robert at Lulu’s.

After work I was beat so I came home and crashed, begged off bowling with Danica and the gang. Then I got a call from Jack Abramoff, a voice from the past, a producer who wants to resuscitate In the Dark. I could hardly remember who he was, but it didn’t ruin my day.

EA and Smoking Car... Wow. A new partner. A new commute (San Mateo). New people, new dramas. It’s exciting just to contemplate the prospect of such a big change.

They’ve got their act together much more than Broderbund ever had. The flip side of that is, when you’re dealing with people who are fairly sharp and ambitious, you have to watch your butt. But they’re certainly treating us with respect. If we can hold our own, and deliver the goods and have a big hit and all that, this could be the beginning of a beautiful romance...

Mark Netter arrived Monday. Today we rearranged all the office furniture, moved production into the back room.

Sunday I sat out on the deck in the chilly morning sunlight and reread In the Dark for the first time in maybe three years. It’s surprisingly not-bad for a first screenplay, in terms of structure and pacing and so on, but the dialog and characterizations are flat and corny. I don’t actually believe Jack Abramoff is going to get it made.

[midnight] Saturday at the office with Mark Netter and Patrick.

This is hard work, but it’s really cranking along. Today I storyboarded 14 NISes. “Only 96 to go,” Mark reminded me cheerfully.

Yesterday we had our first Friday Production Meeting: 11 am to 3 pm. Mark is turning a disorganized band into a functioning unit. It’s great.

Highlights of last week:

New PA/office runner Victoria started work. She’s dark-haired and sarcastic, dresses well, looks straight into my eyes when I talk to her. I may be developing a crush on her but am resolved not to do anything about it, at least until the shoot is over.

First day of auditions. Found a Vassili (Dick Mallon) and a surprise potential Anna (a Romanian woman named Florentina who was auditioning for Vesna). The rest lacked luster. Maybe a Waiter or two. More auditions tomorrow.

Flew down to L.A. for the day with Patrick to do our cameos in George’s movie. Patrick’s job was to flirt with Kyra Sedgwick in a bar; mine was to be the guy sitting next to him. We didn’t get to our hotel till 3 am and then had to take the 7 am flight back to SF.

Saturday and Sunday went river rafting (South Fork and Middle Fork of the American River) with Brian and pals. Sam and Mark and Robert came as the Smoking Car contingent. Full moon night camping; it was glorious.

Work is all-consuming.

EA’s offered us $1.25 million against a royalty of 22-25%. Broderbund’s offer of $700K against 17-22% is looking pretty pale by comparison. Also, it turns out Sony is not interested in publishing the PSX version themselves unless it comes out before the PC versions, which is of course impossible.

A day of auditions. Still no Cath.

Considering Lobna for the role of Anna. She rotoscopes well. George for August, Eileen for Vesna... hell, we may not even need a casting director, why don’t I just cast all my friends?

Jamil [friend from Paris] and Mom are visiting; they came to the auditions.

Waiting for Dark won honorable mention in the Philadelphia Film Festival and was accepted to the Bahia Jornada in Brazil. Franny is happy.

[midnight] Just got home.

At Smoking Car till 11, watching casting tapes with Mom and Nicki.

Four days in a row of auditions at Fort Mason. Eileen came in yesterday morning and impressed everyone as Vesna, becoming our second lock after Dick Mallon as Vassili. Benny Buttner the mime, Jacques Moyal the incredibly sweet Frenchman, a scary-looking Irish Salko, a stone fox African Kahina, and a handful of others all convinced us we’d be crazy not to cast them. After four days, we’re looking pretty good on our supporting roles. Today we saw the first Anna since Florentina; she definitely rates a callback.

Nowhere on Cath.

Nowhere on Tatiana.

Kronos, Abbot, Alexei still big question marks.

George is a lock for August, if he ever returns Mark’s call.

Casting non-union is like panning for gold. It’s a lot of work.

Mom liked the office. The office liked Mom.

[midnight] Drove up to Healdsburg for dinner at Jon and Ginger’s. Hot tub and swimming under the stars. Told Jon I want him to have a cut: 3% of profits. Made him happy.

EA, Tom Marcus, $, conversations with Dad, Tomi, etc.

[midnight] Working nutty hours.

Last night went over to Donald’s with Patrick. Furnished Kronos’s car, stayed for dinner, then drove to Danica’s. Came home this morning to change clothes for our 10 a.m. demo for Acclaim, and a mere fifteen hours later, here I am home again.

I have no private life.

Budget meeting with Robert and Mark. It’s going to cost $400K to shoot this thing. That’s like a low-budget feature.

I’m paying for it all myself.

I’ve already sunk $550K into this project.

I’ll have a million bucks at risk.

I must be crazy.

(Look at the bright side... If Smoking Car ever pays me back the money I put in, I’ll be a millionaire!)

After the shoot, we’ll still have 9 months of post-production. Burning $50K/month, that will cost $450K and bring the total budget to $1.4M.

At $7/unit royalty, we’ll need to sell 200,000 copies to make it back.

It better be a hit.

[midnight] Saturday at the office.

Friday auditions brought us an amazing 14-year-old girl, Corinne Blum, who is the Tatiana I hardly dared dream of. With her in the role, this story may just work. An incredible gift from the gods.

In desperation, I convinced Mark to call Dunja in LA. Surprise, she’s interested. She’s flying up for callbacks on Wednesday. If she’s as wonderful as we remember, we may have our Anna.

Also called Karl-Heinz to inquire if he would like to play August. He’ll let us know tomorrow. Today a phone message from George confirmed what everyone had long suspected: his shoot’s gone over schedule, he can’t do it. If Karl-Heinz says yes, it could be for the best. George is now (provisionally) the Cook.

Robert and I will play Porters 1 and 2.

Patrick is less than crazy about David Svensson as Cath. I think he’ll be OK. San Francisco, non-union, is a tough way to go; there’s no doubt about it.

Spoke to Don Traeger and Tom Marcus. They both really want us. Don’s going to fax us a deal memo on Tuesday. At this point, it would be hard to say no to EA without pissing them off.

I wonder if this is how you feel before your wedding day? You hope it’ll be wonderful, and you wonder if you might be making a terrible mistake...

We’re insured now. Larry Hammond came in and answered all our questions. This entire two-year, $1.5 million project is now insured, for only slightly more than it cost to insure my car for the same period.

Spent today cranking out more storyboards, and a shot list for the restaurant car. Getting down to brass tacks.

The excitement is building. A week ago, I was wishing I had more time to prepare. Now I’m starting to feel the hunger to shoot.

Another killer day. Damn — I forgot to call [my sister] Linda to wish her Happy Birthday.

We worked Saturday and Monday, Labor Day.

Our new bookkeeper (Robert’s cousin Charles) showed up to put our lives in order. Thank God he’s here. Better late than never.

Measurements, props, wigs, camera, actors, shot lists, payroll, a million and one things to think of as we move towards The Shoot...

Thirteen days from now, we roll camera.

Got the deal memo fax from EA. They’re trying to squeeze us on the PSX royalty. Meanwhile, no word from Acclaim.

Today I transferred my last liquid $50K into Smoking Car. Project cost to date: $600K. Where is that $400K for the shoot going to come from?

What amazes me is that I’m not cracking under the strain. I just feel sort of tired and excited and eager to get on with it. It may be all the money I had, but it’s only money.

[11 p.m.] Wednesday: Callbacks. Dunja Djorjevic flew up from LA to read with David Svensson. Florentina came in to read too. Two very different Annas. A hard choice to make. Florentina is girlish, vulnerable, complex, a bundle of neuroses, fascinating to watch. Dunja is tall, striking, strong, almost severe. (Anne Goldman was also good, but next to those two Europeans, seemed clearly miscast: too young, too much the American girl. Still, Anne has appeal; she really listens. I’d cast her in a minute for something else.)

David Svensson did fine. We locked him as Cath.

Decided to go with Dunja.

Met with stunt coordinator Dave Renault. He was glad to hear we’re using Eileen. She’s tough. “She can take any fall you want,” he said confidently.

Financially I’m on the ropes: I’m borrowing money from Tomi, Dad’s borrowing money to pay me back the $200K I lent him, Robert’s hitting up his aunt. I should probably be more worried, but it all seems awfully abstract and remote compared to the concrete problems of making the shoot.

[1 a.m.] Party winding down on the roof. End of another smokin’ week. Patrick, Sandrine and Jamil all here... it’s amazing how Paris has been transplanted to 1644 Taylor St.

Locked Dunja as Anna, Mujahid as Kronos. Our cast is complete.

One week left before the shoot.

The decision looms: EA or Broderbund?

I’m feeling wistful tonight. Missing NY. Not that emotions matter much these days.

Mark calculated that the shoot will cost $20/minute. Coming out of my pocket for three weeks straight. After that, I’ll be tapped out. What’s scary is that thought doesn’t even make me blink.

After work had a beer with Netter, talked about the future of Smoking Car, etc.

David and Liz are getting married.

Didn’t feel like a Monday. Maybe because we’d all worked straight through the weekend.

Mark and Noel have come through big-time. Without them, we’d be screwed. They’re totally earning their royalty points. Patrick too, Nicki too, they’re all working inhuman hours. Franny too has risen to the occasion. Mark Netter too.

If I don’t say the same about Robert, maybe it’s only because I expected more from him than from everyone else. I find myself resenting every time someone has a question or needs something and he’s not in the office. It’s not that he’s slacking off — he’s working really hard — but I feel like he should be helping to push and prod and cajole this thing along, and instead he’s one of the ones who has to be pushed and prodded and cajoled.

Maybe the role I’ve cast him in guarantees that I’d feel that way. Maybe he’s temperamentally unsuited to the particular brand of pressure and teamwork of a film shoot. But the part of preproduction that fell in his lap — design and construction of the practicals and making sure they’ll match to render — is way behind, disorganized, and threatens to be the one part of the shoot that really fucks us up.

For whatever reason, Robert doesn’t seem to feel the pressure as keenly as Mark Netter and I do. He was out of the office for four hours today for a 3D modeling class, so I had to call a practicals meeting for when he got back at 10 p.m., keeping Mark and Noel and Mark and all of us at the office an extra two hours, making it a 15-hour day for them. Trying to make Robert feel the urgency, without accusing him outright of fucking up — I don’t know. I can’t think about this now.

Tomi wrote me two checks for $50,000 each. “They’re the biggest checks I’ve ever written,” she said anxiously. I wanted to cry.

God, life is intense.

Overall, I’m pretty content with the way things are going. We’re within striking distance of having a really good shoot, if nothing fucks up.

Today was Patrick’s birthday.

[11 p.m.] Costume, makeup and hair tests today. The office was filled with actors. We had an assembly line all the way down to the basement. It was great.

Long meeting with EA (Don Traeger and Monty Finnefrock), Robert, Tomi and Jon. It turns out they think their $1.5 million buys them exclusive worldwide rights on all platforms, including the right to sit on a platform if they don’t choose to do it. Jon doesn’t think that’s a big deal. I do.

If we go with Broderbund, we get $800K. $500 of that will be needed to finish the development, hopefully leaving $300 to pay back Tomi and me, reducing my personal exposure to $700K (from $1M).

If we go with EA we get $1.5M, theoretically enough to make me whole, except that $300K needs to be set aside for the PSX conversion.

My instincts are screaming a warning, but ¿what does it mean?

First rehearsals with Dunja, David and Karl (Josef) at my place.

Tomorrow they rig the lighting.

It Begins.

After this, I think I may retire to a little house in the country.

Spent much of the day at the set (CineRents) while Andy and crew rigged the lights. Monday it begins.

All the rays of the universe are now gathering, converging and focusing on a single point... The Shoot.

I’m through worrying; I just want it to happen. Like a runner at the starting block.

The worst part of all of this has been doubting and resenting Robert, that whole tension. The rest has been good, even the bad stuff, because we’re a small band of merry fellows struggling against mighty odds to do the impossible, and the more shit we go through, the more it bonds us together...

Dani left me a really sweet song on my answering machine.

I need to sleep.

Rehearsals chez moi with Dick Mallon, Corinne, Mikhail, David Svensson, Dermot and Eileen. Went well.

Dinner with Robert, who’s still at the office in render hell. It was good to see him one-on-one. We bonded; I’m not mad at him any more. Maybe it was just paranoia and overstress on my part.

Tomorrow we shoot.

I’m ready.

Found $50K in a bank account I didn’t know I had (accounting error back in June). Like when you find a $20 bill in the pocket of a jacket hanging in your closet that you haven’t worn since summer, back when you were flush with cash, and now you’re broke and happy to have it... Like that, only 2,500 times better. That’s what I get for never opening my mail. Anyway, a good omen for the shoot.

Eileen brought a big bag of frozen fresh bagels from NY for the crew.

[12:45 am - Full moon night]

First day.

We wrapped at 11:15 pm. Fifteen hours after we started. The day went like this:

8 am to 6:00 pm - Setup (10 hours)
6:00 to 8:30 pm - Shoot (2 1/2 hours)
8:30 to 10 pm - Setup (1 1/2 hours)
10:00 to 11:15 - Shoot (1 hr 15 min)

In other words: Eleven hours laying down lines and matching to render, for three hours shooting.

Robert went to sleep last night not having finished the renders. He finished them today with a full crew standing around waiting at $20/minute.

Not even an apology. No “Sorry, I fucked up.” Not a word to me.

Water under the bridge.

Hopefully, tomorrow we make it up to the crew (for having robbed them of a night’s sleep) and wrap out of there by 5. That’s the dream: that all the setting up we did today pays off and tomorrow we move like a well-oiled machine.

We’ve got two minors and one senior citizen in tomorrow’s roster of five actors. We can’t keep them for 12 hours even if we need to.

Mark said: “Tomorrow would be a good day to have go well.”

Wrapped at 5:45 pm.

I think we turned it around.

I feel like I’m coming down with a cold. I came home and crashed. I can hardly stand up.

Today was another good day. We wrapped at 7 pm.

Went out for a drink (at Connecticut Yankee) with a good segment of the crew, led by Eileen and Dunja. It was the first chance we’d had to really unwind as a gang since the shoot began; I felt euphoric, and not just because of the wine (first I’d had in days). The joy of shooting.

Confidence is in place now. I feel ready to take on the world. (Knock on wood.)

Wrapped at 5:45.

After lunch Mark called for attention and announced that Waiting for Dark had won a prize at the Bahia film festival. Everyone applauded. For the rest of the day, people were coming up and congratulating me and asking what film is that? It came at a good moment, in full public view. Makes the crew and actors think that maybe this one might turn out good too.

The days are going well. The crew is great, no friction, good atmosphere on the set. I’m happy.

After we wrapped we went to Varitel for the 7 pm transfer. It looks amazing. The blue drops right out. The cast is just as good as I thought they were. (Only weak spot so far: Monsieur Boutarel, the one role we had to recast at the last minute.) Damn; we’re getting it!

Tomorrow’s the last corridor day.

Whew.

This is a lot of work.

Wrapped photography at 4:59 pm (!) with the final walk of Conductor 2 and Kodiak the 300-pound wolf. Stayed late prepping the restaurant car for tomorrow.

Now it’s all about props and practicals. Tomorrow we’ll see if we’re really fucked or if we can repeat the logistical miracle of the sleeping car corridor days.

Everyone’s tense about tomorrow. Patrick and Nicki are pissed off at each other about the way the props have been handled, and there’s a whole web of tension and resentment around that department. Blue tables are supposed to arrive at 7 am tomorrow from Delphi... Seventeen actors coming in for wardrobe, hair and makeup. Laura Chariton and a phalanx of PAs were still working, painting and marking roto-friendly table settings, when I left the studio at 10 pm.

As Mark said: “This is about as bad as it can get and still be working.”

On the good side, we’ve impressed the hell out of Adam, Andy, and the camera and grip crew. A lot of people have told me this is one of the better shoots they’ve worked on. Adam told me today that he’s never seen a nicer and more together group of people on any project. Hope we can live up to that.

We’ve scaled the first peak.

Restaurant car and NISes remain.

Sunday. My day off.

First restaurant day went OK. We lost a lot of time in the morning setting up because of the practicals screwup, but still wrapped by 7:45 pm. It wasn’t a total win, but at least it wasn’t as bad as day one.

Went out drinking with a good segment of the crew, including two actresses (Anna and Rebecca), Sophie the camera girl, Laura Hazlitt, Franny, Mark and Mark. Lucky 13. Till 2 am.

Today I’m resting. Went for a run in the park.

Eileen called to tell me about a party at a friend’s house next to the blues festival, but I didn’t go. I can’t afford to be self-destructive right now.

First week was a success.

Second week starts tomorrow.

[Wednesday] Home at 11:30 pm, out the door at 6:30 am... how long can I go on like this?

Yesterday we did Tuesday and Wednesday’s schedules in one day, wrapping the restaurant car. That was a big win. Today was our first NIS day, the first day we had Cath. I wish I could say it was a win, but the fact is, it was another big change of rhythm — like the corridor, like the restaurant — and it remains to be seen if we can master this one, too.

The vibes on the set sucked today. I felt like I was treading water to keep afloat, not driving the train like I should be [Mixed Metaphor #217]. We did Vassili’s Seizure (1210), which is a big NIS, but we only got halfway through the (admittedly ambitious) schedule we’d mapped out for today. We weren’t adequately prepared.

I’ve been doing a good job till now, but today was another step up and I didn’t quite make it. Tomorrow I’ve got to walk in there and take charge. I’ve got to be so on top of my game that everyone will be racing to keep up with me.

If only I could sleep for about ten hours.

[Sunday] Third week starts tomorrow.

Last week was tough. Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat: Four NIS days. The restaurant car seems like a lifetime ago.

The rhythm on the set is totally different now that we’re doing NISes. It’s like a regular film shoot, but at hyper-speed: In the space of five minutes we move the camera, switch the lens, get the actors on their marks, block the scene, shoot it, and boom: we’re moving on. We’re shooting an average of 15 script pages a day, which is unheard of by film standards. It’s a challenge for the whole crew to keep up with that pace, but especially for me. Sometimes I fall behind and we go into a scene with me unprepared and, boy, does that suck. I’m learning how to be a director.

I can’t imagine I’ll ever have a harder directing job than this one. It’s all about preparation, staying ahead. When I’m on top of my game, it’s great. When I start to lose it, every single person on the set down to the lowliest grip senses it and it instantly changes the vibe on set. Doing 15 pages a day, 12-hour days, doesn’t leave me much time to pause and reflect and plan 24 or 48 hours ahead, let alone think about the big picture. Improvisation can be deadly, the cost of fucking up is huge. It’s unbelievably intense.

Last night, went out with the boys and Dunja. Danica joined us at Chevy’s. It turned out the two girls had grown up on the same block in Belgrade.

A killer day. Today, I was on top of it. Preparing the storyboards the day before made all the difference. Corey and Tomi and Doug stopped by the set. Doug was impressed.

Danica says I’m self-absorbed.

Greg called from Paris.

Joined Robert at the transfers at Varitel.

Tomorrow’s another big day. They’re all big days.

[Wednesday] Tuesday was a bear of a day. Today was a bear of a day. Adam is driving me nuts.

Today we wrapped at 10:30 pm. If we wrap at 7 tomorrow, I’ll be a hero, to Mark at least.

Tomorrow we have David Reynaud and stunts and the locomotive, all for the first time, and a heavy schedule, and I’ve got to get up at 6 again, and now it’s one a.m. and I haven’t had a chance to properly go over the storyboards, and and and

I need sleep.

The only way this can work is if I go in there tomorrow and I know fucking everything. But I don’t. Yet.

[Friday] Yesterday was the hardest day yet (train locomotive). We went into OT and we didn’t get everything, but we did wrap Dunja Djordjevic.

Today was easier. Covered all the Cath and August scenes (16 5/8 screenplay pages) and wrapped Josef Schultz at 7:30 pm. That left time to go back to Smoking Car for a meeting about tomorrow — Fight Day!

Andy said yesterday was the hardest day he’s ever worked.

The pace is brutal, exhausting. It’s not that the days are so long, it’s that we’re working so fast and nonstop.

We’re shooting 15+ screenplay pages a day. Today we got our 2,000th shot.

This isn’t filmmaking, it’s something else. Block frame shoot boom next setup. We’re trying to do Citizen Kane on a daytime TV schedule. It’s crazy.

Today Robert and I did our cameos as Porter 1 and Porter 2. Makeup and hair were delighted to get their mitts on me. Eileen came in specially just to paint my hands.

[Sunday] home

relaxing on the balcony enjoying the blue sky blue bay afternoon breeze

Since I got home at 2 pm all I’ve done is sleep. Once you start there’s no stopping. I’ve slipped out of reality and out of time.

Yesterday was fight day. Wrapped the four Serbs, got all of Cath’s major stunts, wrapped David Reynaud (our stunt coordinator), wrapped weapons and firearms. A lot of miscellaneous stuff left for Monday but, for me anyway, yesterday was the big push. Yesterday felt like the end of the shoot. The vibe was good, a bunch of us went out drinking afterwards at Lucky 13, it was like a mini-wrap party. We wrapped at 10:30, stayed at Lucky 13 long enough to close the place down at 2 am.

We wrapped Monday. The shoot was a glorious success; everyone is still speaking to each other. George came up from LA to play the cook. It was good to have him here. We went to the Rite Spot to celebrate.

Dinner with Robert. We planned the future of Smoking Car.

Today I was back in the office. I’m feeling run down at the moment but nothing can faze me.

Housecleaning. Lots of discussions about profit sharing, deals, budget, publishers. Everything that got put off for the shoot must now be dealt with.

Smoking Car: Will it have a life beyond Express? Mark, Noel, Robert, Nicki: how to make them happy? Broderbund, EA, negotiations. Money money money.

I’m leaving for Paris in three days. I can’t wait.

Struggling to stay awake through my first day. Damn, it’s great to be here.

A beautiful day, devoted principally to straightening out the tangled bureaucratic mess I’ve made of my life here. Replacement carte bleu, carte de sejour (in progress), auto insurance (Greg and Pierrick taking care of it in Argentan), driver’s license. In the process I got to run all over Paris by foot and metro, see the girls in their fall outfits and the police in their uniforms and remember why it’s so great to have a car. Which I will again, hopefully, by tonight.

The plane flight seems to have cured my cold, oddly enough.

Met Kees, my new downstairs neighbor.

I should have written about that night in the catacombs with Eileen and Kees and Derrick the crazy Canadian, but I didn’t and now it’s too late.

I’m in LA to attend the first annual Cybermania! awards at Universal Studios. I wasn’t nominated for anything, but Eileen was; I had a free ticket and it seemed a shame to waste it.

I got to meet Herbie Hancock, Shelley Duvall, Charles Fleischer (the guy who did the voices for Roger Rabbit), and the girl who’s the new Karate Kid (Hilary Swank). More people knew my name and Prince of Persia than I’d expected. As a Hollywood party and shmooze-fest, it was fine. The ceremony itself was a joke. Phillips had bought out most of the major awards. I hated practically everything about it. But I had fun. Drove all over L.A. with a very drunk Dierdre O’Malley looking for the Beverly Hills Sofitel. Ended up sharing a hotel room with John Evershed; gave him lots of ideas for his new game “Maria.”

The thing now is to get the train moving again. When I got back from Paris, it was at a standstill. “It’s been stopped on a side track for two weeks,” grumbled Charles.

It’s been four weeks since the wrap party. Last week we reorganized the office, moved all the desks around. Monday, Nicole got back from two weeks’ vacation, Mark Netter came up after two weeks in LA, and Robert came back from a long weekend. The team is reassembling. Justin started work. Today we hired an office manager. Friday will be Franny’s last day; Monday, Sharon turns over the reins to Daniel.

Tomorrow Jon and I meet with EA and hopefully find out who is going to publish this game.

A kick-ass day. Today I felt that Robert was back on board.

Watched Terry’s movie Saviors of the Rainforest with Mark, Nicki and Robert. It was unexpectedly good. The group is starting to cohere.

There are a million things I could write — about Smoking Car, the game, publisher deals, group dynamic and politics, questions about profit sharing and company structure. Everything changes from one moment to the next, it’s all very dramatic and important, and I don’t feel like writing about any of it. I just want it all to be worked out so I don’t have to think about it any more.

I’m spending 15 hours a day focused on work, and the second I’m away from it, I start thinking about women.

I need a hobby.

This morning Tom Marcus called and made a new offer: 22% royalty on a sliding scale to 28% above 300,000 units. (Previous offer was 17-22%.)

They’re not kidding.

This was unexpected.

I can’t not take this deal.

I’m dreading the phone call to Don Traeger.

And then there’s the problem of getting the project done. The troops are uneasy. A large part of it is that the power structure within the company is unclear. Is there a company? What’s our next project after Express? Who’ll design it? And when? There’s a big gray area and its initials are RAC.

It’s raining. Yesterday I made the call to Don Traeger. He was home with the flu. I don’t think my call helped.

Went out to dinner at Cypress Club with Robert and Jon. A sort of celebration. Afterwards Robert came over and we sat up and worked out Smoking Car’s future on Microsoft Project on Robert’s laptop. It left me feeling more confident than I have in a long while.

[midnight] I’m writing so little of what happens every day in this journal, it’s a joke.

Three days of editing now behind me. It’s tremendously satisfying. Terry’s good. I’m having fun. Today we cut scene 1311.

Tom Marcus came by after work today with Pilar, the new head of Broderbund Europe.

Robert hasn’t called since he left for Boston. His absence is definitely felt. At the same time, it’s kind of peaceful and everyone seems to be getting their work done.

We’ll never finish this project by June.

Nine hours in the editing room, then two hours of squash to recover.

I’m in a rut, man. I need a good zap of spiritual transformation. I’m so weighed down by this project and its stresses that I’m missing the big picture, I’m forgetting to take pleasure in small moments. My life is getting distorted.

Dinner at Mo and Lisa’s. It was a surprise to walk in the door and find Adam Davis, Larry Meyers and Sebastian Schreiber [high school friends], along with Mo and Ayman and their parents. It was enough of a Chappaqua contingent to mentally move me 2,500 miles east. Really the perfect way to spend Thanksgiving. New friends are nice, but you can never replace the ones you’ve known since high school.

Rereading old journals, I came across the following terrifyingly prophetic dream from August 21, 1993. I quote verbatim:

I had a dream last night in which Patrick said wistfully: “I like Robert and Tomi and Sam and all your friends... but I wish it was the way it was before, when we were just friends, before we were all working for you,” and I said a heartfelt: “Me too.”

Dinner with Morris and Mark Netter at Ernie’s. Got Mark all revved up to get Smoking Car’s house in order.

Brian Eheler has divested himself of all his other products to take on Express. He’s excited.

Patrick called me at 8:30 this morning, came over with Sandrine for breakfast. Spoke to me about Robert. He’s worried.

Another kick-ass day at the office. Donald came by. It’s coming together.

Good dinner with Robert. I didn’t say any of the things I’d been rehearsing mentally for weeks. Instead, we just talked, and the upshot is, he’s on board.

I told him I’m out of money. I can raise about $25,000 toward paying the CineRents bill (it’s $30,000 and they’re clamoring for it), but that’s it.

“Wow, you’re really tapped out,” Robert marvelled. “You’re insane. OK, you do deserve your investor’s cut.”

Nothing I could have said could have won his loyalty as much as that simple, unplanned, true fact. All you need is love.

Editing is going well. Terry’s got the hang of it and is choosing frames by himself now; Nicki is happy. The rotoscope process is well on its way to being automated. Donald, Nicki, Mark and Noel are all working hard and highly motivated.

Could we finally be out of the woods?

Not that this project isn’t tough enough to keep us sweating right up to the bitter end, even with everyone on board and pulling together and working hard. But that’s a challenge it’ll be a joy to face.

Stayed at the office till 9, ordered pizza with Mark Netter, then came back here for a beer. It’s nonstop.