Year 3: 1995

Tea with Lisa and Ginny in Brooklyn. Lisa was in much better spirits than at Christmas. She’s not tracking time or place too well, but everything she says is true; you just need to turn it around a little to make sense of it. Like the conversations you have in a dream. If you focus on the surface logic (or lack thereof), you miss the real content.

Three days back at work and, wow, I’m still standing.

Got in Monday night, happy to see S.F., drove Patrick and Sandrine and Tomi up to Fairfax, cooked dinner there and took a hot tub in the light rain. Ah California!

Tuesday was the first day back. Got up to speed pretty quick. Brian called to remind me I’d been nominated for a MacUser Eddy. We went to the awards but didn’t win.

Showed the game to Denis Friedman, and John Evershed.

The atmosphere at the office is intense. Progress is slow but steady.

Yesterday (Friday) Elia Cmiral came to the office and stayed the whole day. I liked him. I think he’ll be good. The problem, as usual, is how to get him the information he needs to do his job?

I spent all day today in the office writing up new versions of the screenplay and linear screenplay and NIS cross-reference spreadsheets, to try to communicate — not just to Elia but also to the sound designer, Nicki, Terry, and everyone else — just how these NISes fit into the story and the game as a whole. Long overdue. There’s too much info that exists in my head and no place else.

“Don’t you have anything better to do than spend your Saturday here?” Terry asked.

“No,” I said.

Dinner with Mark Netter, Elia and his wife at Mifune. Days of toil, nights of gladness.

I’ve been spending my driving and home time listening to violin and piano music for the concert sequence. I’m liking the Franck sonata (A major), though the Brahms D minor is still a contender.

Dinner with Robert at Greens after the gym. We drank a bottle of wine and played pool. He’s in an alpha state from being in love. I kept having to scrape him off the ceiling. Me, I’m just plugging away on this mammoth project that leaves no room in my life for anything or anyone else.

Saw Linda Fiorentino at the gym. She’s in town shooting Jade.

The negotiation with Broderbund (Tom) drags on.

I’m broke.

This project is HUGE.

Elia came in with a $30K bid, which is pretty much exactly what we were hoping for. So, we’ve got our composer!

This project is huge. Have I mentioned that lately? We’ll be lucky if it comes in at 2 million bucks.

I tied Netter and RAC down and forced them to watch me create a budget and cash flow in Excel. Out of the three of us, I turn out to be the business guy. It’s sobering: Even with the $600K from Broderbund, we’ll need another infusion of cash within just a few months — April, if not before. The total cost is up to $2.2 million for the PC version (assuming we ship in September); if we keep the office going through the end of the year, that adds another $250K. No chance I get back any of my $1 million before 1996.

I don’t think I want to do this again. Once is enough.

I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed by it all.

Life is bigger than this project. Remember that. I can lose the million bucks and life will go on. However it ends, I can still write, I can still live and love and have adventures... and six years ago, that was all I ever wanted to do. I’m doing it now. It would be a shame to get so stressed out I forget to enjoy it.

Morris is here. Thank God for Morris. My biggest wish is that between Morris, Mark, bookkeeper and office manager, they can take the whole business/budgeting/producing/office/administrative end of things off my plate and leave me (and Robert) free to concentrate on making this game better.

Read some of my old journals from 1990-92. I wonder what I’ll think, years from now, looking back on 1995?

Journals are all well and good if they help you to focus on the present, to appreciate it, to live it fully; to stay open to possibilities, grab the brass ring when it comes by...

I’m going skiing next weekend.

I must be run down. Tomi, Robert and Mark all looked at me closely today and said “You look tired” or “You look sick.” I suppose I’m pretty stressed out.

Tom Marcus is dragging his feet, shows no urgency to get this deal done. Bill Jones was up from LA yesterday and Tom “couldn’t” meet with him. We expected that $600K weeks ago, and the contract still looks at least two weeks away from closing.

I’m tapped out. All the money’s gone.

We owe $40,000 in back payroll taxes.

Tomi can lend me another $50K, but that’s the limit. I hate owing her money.

We’re going to need to make some sort of licensing deal almost immediately, like in the next two or three months. The Broderbund money will only see us through April.

We’re behind schedule. Everyone’s clamoring for more people, more equipment. The budget stands at $2 million. We’re trying to keep it down, but it looks more like going up.

I have my private doubts as to the likelihood of making Christmas, even for the PC version.

Add to that the usual worries of surmounting technical obstacles, solving problems, making it work, getting it done, much less making it good...

With 15 strong-willed, big-egoed people working long hours in a too-crowded space, tempers tend to run high. It’s still a struggle, for some reason, getting Mark and Noel to come in before noon.

Contracts, accounting, bookkeeping, insurance, budget are still not quite in place.

At this point, we’re really incredibly vulnerable. It wouldn’t take much of a setback to shut us down.

Yesterday I went down to my car at 7:45 am and found all four tires and the roof slashed. It’ll cost about $3,000 to repair.

I’m really looking forward to going skiing.

Today things seem to be looking up.

Had a good dinner with Robert yesterday in North Beach. Coppola and his wife were at the next table.

Bill Jones spent much of today on the phone with Tom. It looks like we’re finally headed somewhere.

Friday morning Netter and I drove up to Novato to meet Doug and Tomi at the airfield. We flew to Aspen in 2 ½ hours, landed at a little private airport that felt more like a bed and breakfast than an airport terminal. The rental Jeep was waiting, we drove 10 minutes to the ranch gate and 10 more minutes through the ranch and there we were again in Paradise.

Two days of perfect skiing.

An especially intense week at Smoking Car. But aren’t they all.

Sandrine’s gone back to France. After nearly a year! We were worried about getting her out, since her visa waiver was only for three months, but there was no problem.

Patrick and I have been working late together. He was still there when I left the office at 1 a.m.

I’m freaking out.

Breathe deeply. Breathe. Don’t panic.

You wanted intense? You got it. Stay with it.

Cast of characters:

“The Stars” : Mark N, Robert, Patrick, Nicole, Mark M, Donald, Jordan. How close are each of these people to cracking?

“The Workers” : Justin, Noel, Juliana, Anita, Terry. How many more just like them do we need?

“The Unknowns” : Jerzy, Elia, Mystery Sound Designer. Will they deliver?

“The Cogs” : Dan, Charles, John, Corby.

And others, still to be recruited...

Flew down to Burbank with Patrick for George’s screening at the Writers Guild theater. The movie was good. It packed a surprising emotional wallop.

Today we edited the concert scene, with real music inhaled by the AVID from DAT.

Valentine’s Day party on the roof deck. All the lights of the San Francisco skyline were turned on for Jade (shooting at the Fairmont). Everyone at the party wondered why. Only I knew it was our Franny’s handiwork.

Tempers started to crack today. Mark, Nicki, Patrick and I were snarling at each other; Terry and Robert remained cheery and unflappable. It’s the long hours taking their toll. And on a sunny Saturday too.

Mark, Robert and I finished off the night with a bottle of wine over pizza at Tommasso’s. “Winning takes a lot out of you,” Mark remarked.

Got to remember to praise Nicki more. She needs it. Mark too, actually.

Stress.

• Programming is way behind schedule.
• Everything other than programming is moderately behind schedule.
• Broderbund contract is still not signed.
• Out of money, as usual.
• Charles is not doing a good job. Mark is afraid to fire him; Robert is touchy about it because he’s his cousin. Does that mean I have to do it?

• I’m in a vulnerable position in so many ways, more than I ever have been. The slightest tremor could bring my whole house of cards tumbling down.
• I owe $1,500 worth of unpaid parking tickets. I haven’t picked up my laundry in a month. My dentist fired me for cancelling too many appointments.

Got up early, paid all my parking tickets. A Kafkaesque experience.

Final stages of editing NISes. It’s Terry and Nicki and me. I’m meeting Mark at 8 am tomorrow to show him some scenes and get his editing two cents.

The weather’s gorgeous. I’m horny as hell.

Terry’s gone. Robert and Patrick are gone till Monday. It’ll be just me and Claire, the new editor. Our goal is to get the tape done (for Elia and Poolside) by Monday. 150-odd NISes, time-code-locked with placeholders. Yowza!

My other goal is to sign the Broderbund contract on Friday.

Dani got into Berkeley.

My first day editing with Claire. Frustrating.

There’ll be no contract by Friday. I’m so fed up you can’t imagine.

Reread Bird of Paradise for the first time in ages. I could see its flaws clearly. Next time I’ll do better. I want to write something new.

Finished the editing yesterday. I recut scene 1313 all by myself after the editor and assistant editor had left. It took me hours but I finally learned how to use the AVID. High time.

John (the assistant) is there now preparing the ¾” dub.

I’ll be so happy to be out of this phase.

Lunch at Nanking with Patrick and Sandrine. It was great to see Sandrine. She made me miss Paris.

I’ll be seeing Elia in LA on Sunday to talk about music. He’s leaving for Prague Monday morning.

Lisa died this afternoon. Dad called to tell me. The service is Friday. I’ll miss it. I don’t know what to do except dedicate the game to her.

Got the NIS tape out. Major milestone. It was a thrill to see it assembled, on a TV screen, all at once. Tomi was thrilled too.

The big meeting at Broderbund with Tom and Ken on their side and Bill, Jon, Robert and me on ours. We were in that conference room for five full hours. It was exhausting. Only afterwards did I realize how spent I was.

Bill was so right; a face-to-face meeting was what it took. We should have done that two months ago. Barring unforeseen complications, we should sign it on Wednesday.

And not a moment too soon.

[LA] It was good to spend a few hours with Elia going over the tape. There’s no substitute for face-to-face communication. He’s going to Prague for two weeks. I’m excited, can’t wait till he gets back and gets started on the music.

[SF] Cold sunny day. Stopped by the Sheraton Palace to visit Franny. The editors [of Jade] showed me the Lightworks system and a couple of scenes that had already been edited.

Cold rain pouring down. Met Robert and Mark at Bechelli’s for breakfast, then to Poolside to get Dave and Christophe started. I think we’re in good hands, sound-wise.

Met my new dentist, Tomi’s recommendation. Got clean teeth now.

Yesterday was Friday. Brian showed up in the afternoon with a contract signed by Tom Marcus and a $600,000 check. I signed my name and we celebrated with two bottles of good champaign. Hallelujah!

I took Catherine out to dinner at Café Macaroni, and to Rassala for some not-bad jazz.

Tonight Patrick and Sandrine cooked dinner in Fairfax, Tomi made a pie, Florence and I helped. There was a fire. It was cozy and hearthlike.

Morale is good since Brian and Bruce and Rima’s visit yesterday galvanized everyone into sudden focus on the CGDC conference that’s just one month away. It’s what we needed: a finite, tangible, attainable goal.

I’ve started selecting OTISes with Claire. It’s good to have that under way.

Today Noel got the first test NIS up and running in sync.

Poolside has begun Foleying the NISes. Dave says it’s going well.

Nicole is back from helping her parents, whose house got flooded by the rains.

We fired Corby. Dana is doing well on Grabface. We hired a new senior artist.

My big job now, aside from making sure the game is a masterpiece and that it ships, is to make the office a happy place. Radiate love on everybody. Find the things that bind us together and to the project, and emphasize those. Prefer positive reinforcement to punishment, praise to criticism. Don’t give in to paranoid fears that they’re not working hard enough or aren’t loyal or are screwing up. Think about what they’re getting out of it; try to make it worth their while. As Doug said: Love them, but don’t care if they love you.

Whatever else it may be about, for me, this project is about learning how to be a leader. It’s a chance that may never come again in such extreme and dramatic form. Make the most of it!

Reasons to keep writing in this journal:

• It makes amusing reading a couple of years later.

Reasons to quit:

• Someday someone might read it.

I seem constitutionally unable to let go of any part of my past. I’m like the replicants in Blade Runner.

Today I decided to get rid of Claire. She’s driving me nuts. The prospect of firing someone, knowing that she knows that the reason she’s getting fired is me, nauseates me, but it’s better to get it over with. This whole AVID editing thing has really left a bad taste in my mouth.

Patrick and I walked over to Donald’s this afternoon. Patrick is seriously disgruntled. I tried to draw out of him the reason why and finally he said:

“Who can be happy in an unhappy place?”

“You don’t like the office?”

“Who can like it?”

“How many offices have you worked in?”

“Well, one.”

I told him all the things I thought were good about Smoking Car.

“You’re a good salesman,” he said. “I’m not in the mood to argue with you — something which is very difficult these days, by the way — so go on living in your dream world.”

After that, Mark and I went over to Poolside. That cheered me up. The sound is really going to bring this thing to life. The great part of it is, Dave and his band are doing it. It’s concrete progress, measured in weeks rather than months; they know what they’re doing, they’re enjoying it, and they’re not whining.

A ray of hope: Sandra Levinson got a call from Dennis Hays at the State Dept. asking about Yoana. Could it be that out of all those phone calls, telegrams, congressmen, etc., one finally hit the mark? Fingers crossed.

Party at Patrick and Sandrine’s for Smoking Car. It was great, really the right thing, to kick back with everyone in a relaxed atmosphere. I owe Sandrine one. It wouldn’t have been the same if I’d thrown a party at my place; it would have been the boss’s place. As it was, it was perfect.

It rained hailstones today at nine-thirty when I was walking to work. I took shelter under an awning along with a whole street full of Chinese people. We watched while the volume increased and the stones rattled and bounced on the pavement and off the roofs of cars. It made a tremendous racket.

Everything at the office is mechanized now. There’s almost nothing for me to do. I can’t make it go faster, so I retire behind my desk and tinker.

There was an article in today’s paper about Spielberg, Geffen and Katzenberg’s new company making a deal with Microsoft. Tomi passed by and kicked me and said: “This is the article you should be reading, you dope. This could have been you but you didn’t want to.” She went into her office. She’s still mad I didn’t do the United Artists startup company with her and Jon.

Smoking Car has been great. I wouldn’t undo any of it, even if it’s a total disaster and I lose my million bucks. But three years in an office is enough. Three years of being the boss is enough. I can stand it all right, but it doesn’t give me much joy.

It’s one thing to do a project that takes six months or a year or two; you can work with your friends and your enemies, and when it’s over your friends are still your friends. But once it hardens into that rigid thing, a company, a structure with you at the top and everybody living in it together — that I don’t want. I want to be free. I want my life back.

You can live surrounded by your friends, or you can live surrounded by your employees, and then you die.

All I want is to finish Express. Vindication, salvation, release. Followed by freedom. Is that so much to ask?

Last night I went to the office and found Patrick and Sandrine and Claire all working. It was fun. Different from the daylight hours. We spoke French. It was like playtime.

Network disaster. Just what we needed.

Network disaster worse than initially thought. Art department lost a week of work.

Network disaster worse than ever thought possible. Maybe two weeks’ work lost. We may fire Andrei.

“I can’t help feeling that Andrei is being sacrificed to Robert’s lack of paranoia,” Mark remarked at Poolside. I didn’t say anything.

Aside from that, everything is great. Patrick and the programmers have become total studs. Dave at Poolside seems to have a grip on things. Even Claire is now doing fine.

Rough day. Rough week.

We fired Andrei. I feel bad about it. He’s a good kid. He was just in over his head. He came from a big company and wasn’t used to having so much responsibility and pressure. He worked around the clock, he worked like a demon, really enthusiastic and eager.

“He needed fathering,” Patrick said in his characteristic way, “and Robert is too much of a kid himself to father anyone.”

That’s harsh, but accurate. I’ve got to back Robert up and give him my total support, I can’t undermine my right-hand man, and he is learning; but oh, I wish he’d learn faster.

Mom and Dad spent the day at the office. Dad is freaked out by the project’s size and cost. He thinks it’s out of control and doesn’t see how we can raise another $600K in time.

$1.1M from JM + $800K from Broderbund + $600K from ? = $2.5M total

And what if it’s not $2.5, but closer to $3, by the time we’ve missed Christmas and pushed to January, February, March?

Oh, the energy it takes to keep wanting things to go well, to keep making them go well... when the alternative, disaster, is so easy and so alluring. If we had the money, I know we could do it. But we don’t. But I have to keep behaving as if we did.

“Don’t worry,” I told Robert today in my calmest and most authoritative voice. “This project will be funded right through to the end. You just worry about everything else but that.”

The good thing is, today Mark got the OTISes up and running. It’s going to be beautiful. It’s going to be a thing of beauty. If only, if only, if only.

I feel like we’re the Wild Bunch.

Today was Friday, but felt like Saturday because the whole office was so empty. Nicki, Claire, Tomi, Juliana, Netter, Robert, and Moran all missing.

Noel and I stayed late and got a lot done. Patrick and I went to visit Donald.

Conversations with Ken Goldstein yesterday and today. The Big Question has come up: Is this a Christmas product or no? If I say no, the consequences are immediate: they’ll probably call off the CGDC demo. This could be bad for internal morale if it’s not handled just right. On the other hand, how can I say yes, when it’s obvious the answer is eventually going to be no?

It’s time to admit that this is not a Christmas title.

Netter asked me on the phone yesterday (after he got my message in his father’s hospital room) how long to do this, and this, and this. I said:

Character logic... 3 months

Puzzles and fights... 2 months

Playtesting... 2 months

That puts us in November. Allowing for the usual slippage, we could be shipping in January.

Yesterday we gave up the ghost of Christmas and rescheduled the release to January 1996. Whew. All in all, I’d say that went well.

Patrick is the current MVP. He’s saving asses right and left. I love him.

I said to Robert yesterday: “Let’s have dinner.”

He said: “Why don’t we just have a fistfight?”

Big confrontation with Mark and Noel today about their compensation. I’m leaning toward just giving them what they want.

Made a deal with Mark and Noel. Call me a soft touch, but if they come through, it’s worth it. If they don’t, we’ve got bigger problems.

Dinner with Robert. Mended fences. “At least we didn’t punch each other out,” said Robert when we parted.

Aiming to get rid of the Avid by Sunday.

The vibe is good. Robert has been cheerful since our dinner Wednesday. Mark and Noel are working around the clock since we made our deal. Claire and I are working well together. (Today we surprised her with flowers and E-Clairs because it was her last day.) We burned through the Cath Reaction Shots (which I’d been dreading) in a few hours. Restaurant and Salon Walks and OTISes are better than ever. We’ve got it down.

Today Donald sent the first rough restaurant renders. It’s beautiful. He’s been working around the clock too.

Patrick left this morning for a week in the desert with Sandrine and Tomi and Doug. I’ll miss him.

Got the OTIS/Walk spreadsheets marked.

Tonight I even had time to start putting my personal finances in order. I was months behind on balancing my checking account. I managed to scrounge up $20K more to put into Smoking Car. That should see us through the May 1 payday. After that we’re broke again.

This feels like the shoot. I’m short on sleep, running on adrenaline, rolling out of bed in the morning and heading to the office without even stopping to shave. My stomach’s constantly upset, when I try to sleep my mind won’t stop churning, my head is full of Express; but with all that, I feel good. It’s exciting.

The CGDC started yesterday.

Gorgeous weather. Too bad I’m experiencing it from inside the office.

The project advances.

Carole called. Her father, Gérard, is dead. It was a real shock. I’ve got to call Frédérique in Israel.

I’m seeing double. I need more sleep, more sun, more everything except this project and this office.

The Avid is finally wrapped. Five months and $80,000 later. Incredible.

Today I reconciled Charley and Mark. Maybe now we’ll have a budget.

Every day needs to be saved, and usually it falls to me to be the savior. I just want two days off. Saturday and Sunday. That’s all I ask. But when?

Jan Putnam came up from LA and we showed her the game — which, after three days of round-the-clock programmers, looks for the first time like it might someday be a game.

Big talk with Robert last night. He told me how he hasn’t been happy, etc. Maybe now things will go better.

Big Questions:

• Where to find the $100,000 to see us through the next month?
• Where to find the $800,000 to see us through to completion?
• What happens after Express? Do Robert, Netter, Mark and Noel, Nicki, Patrick, Tomi and I all go their separate ways? Or do enough of us stay to keep Smoking Car alive into the future?
• When will I be free?

Mark Netter’s dad died yesterday. Mark is on his way home.

Today I finished the Part 1 character logic and started playing with TEDIT.

Patrick and Tomi both suggested: Why not sell Smoking Car to Doug?

Dinner with Ken Goldstein. I threw myself on his mercy.

A lot has happened.

Wednesday: Cranking to get the demo done. Brian spent the whole day at the office. We put the demo on his machine.

Elia sent the first demo tape of the opening sequence.

Thursday morning I went to Donald’s and we talked out the contract. Whew. I think we’re OK. Donald gave me The Russia House CD to listen to. He said Elia’s music reminded him of it.

Robert and I stayed late at the office, worked up a plan for the next milestone.

Friday morning was the company meeting. In Mark’s absence it fell to me to lead it.

At the end of the day Ken Goldstein called and told us he’d cut us a check for $100K on June 1, earlier than agreed. Hallelujah!

Today we went to visit Jerzy at his military base studio, Nicki and Patrick and Mark and I.

The last few days have been great for puzzle and interface design.

Jon is lending us $50K to cover the 15 days until Broderbund’s $100K comes through. Good of him.

Robert is being good. Morale is good. Everyone seems cheerful.

Come July, we’re f*cked.

[12:45 am] On the phone with Sonitrol and Liz, trying to straighten it out. I’m in bed, it’s raining. Is it OK to leave the office unguarded overnight? I think not.

[1:30 am] Couldn’t sleep, pulled out my journals from two years ago.

Roads not taken: Dany and Delphine. Tomi, Robert, Jon and Jordan; Black Cat Productions. How different life could have been.

I wonder how much of the current strain on me comes from having my entire fortune of $1.1 million sunk into this thing with no salvation in sight.

Am I sorry? Not yet. I wanted intense, I got intense.

Six months from now we should have a product, or damn close to it.

After January the future gets cloudy. Where will I be a year from now?

What a week. Visits from four Japanese companies (Softbank, Sunsoft, Imagineer and EA Victor). I’m demoed out, talked out, burnt out.

Jordan’s Fears:

• Patrick is deported to France and no one who follows in his footsteps can make head nor tail of the train model
• Donald cracks and refuses to give us the model
• Robert cracks and quits in a fit of offended ego
• Robert stays and the project drags on for years
• Donald never finishes the model and we end up drawing in the train backgrounds by hand
• We get it all done, but only 100 people in the country have a computer powerful enough to run it
• We get it done but it’s a flop, or a modest hit. I lose my whole million.

Worst case? We don’t finish. The group self-destructs.

This isn’t making me feel better yet.

The big challenge in this project has always been that the crew, though composed of brilliant individuals, is not ideally cast. There is no experienced manager. Robert’s and my previous experience consists of working alone on our own games, and we both went years over schedule.

And yet we got this far.

It’s up to me to be the glue that fills the gaps. To do everyone’s job when necessary, without taking it away from them; to catch them when they’re about to fall and set them back on their feet. I don’t get to have doubts or resentments. I’m the captain. By definition, I’m all theirs.

For the next year, anyway.

[SFO-Dulles] No notebook to be bought in the San Francisco airport. Reduced to cadging a few sheets from the stewardess.

Friday, Jon and I drove up to Broderbund to beg for money. Ken Goldstein listened to my tale of woe, took the cash flow and budget spreadsheets I’d brought him, and promised to take it up with the powers that be. O the shame of it!

At happy hour downstairs, Bill McDonagh asked me: “So when do I get to see the product?” I said: “When can you come?”

Sunday morning, I flew down to LA to visit our composer. Spent a frustrating afternoon with Elia trying to solve his synch problems. It was my birthday. Eileen took me to dinner and I drove us to the top of Mulholland Drive and we got high looking out at the city lights.

Monday’s session went better. Synch problem solved. Elia and I went through everything he’s written so far, he redid several of the interactive cues, and composed a Tsardas on the spot. It was thrilling. Music is fun, damn it.

I met Yelena in Burbank for dinner, missed my plane. She made up a bed for me on her couch. She played me a Vysotsky song and sang for me in Russian. I felt like I was waking up.

Flew back up Tuesday morning. Mark and Robert and Nicki and Justin and I went to dinner and I’m so slow on the uptake, it wasn’t until we walked into the Afghan restaurant and saw Sam and Nancy waiting that I realized I was being taken out for my birthday. Franny and Barb and Patrick joined for coffee. My friends.

Wednesday: The news from Broderbund was dire. First Jon spoke to Tom Marcus, then I called him, and it was like talking to a brick wall. We’re out of cash again as of June 16 payroll, and Tom flatly refuses to advance us or lend us or stake us even the remaining $100K advance we’re due on delivery. “We’re as exposed as we want to be,” he kept repeating like a mantra. “We’re comfortable with our present level of exposure.”

For some reason this put me in a cheerful mood, and I put in an unusually creative and productive day. The vibe at the office was good, everyone working hard. I went over to Donald’s, Marabeth fed me a roast chicken, Donald showed me acres of books of period furniture, clocks, carpets and what have you and it seemed that we were finally within striking distance.

It was a warm summery night. Top down, I drove back to the office to rescue Patrick, brought him home and he cooked himself an omelette while I called Jan Putnam. Softbank wants to invest in Smoking Car. I suggested we start a Japanese division and Jan could run it. I was full of ideas.

Five days a year like this one, and the other 360 will go fine.

Am I just one of those people who thrives on imminent disaster?

Thursday we had Dave Nelson from Poolside visit the office. Then Bill McDonagh in the afternoon. Bill was impressed. I took him downstairs for a Coke and threw myself on his mercy. He assured me Broderbund won’t throw me to the wolves. But, he said:

“Suppose we give you $100K now — what assurance do we have that you won’t be back in a month asking for another $100K? We need to find a long-term solution.”

We promised to think about it over the weekend.

This is a tricky moment.

I’m glad I’m spending the weekend with the family. Seeing them all together usually puts me in the right frame of mind to make big decisions. And Dad may have some creative ideas.

Wednesday, I took Justin aside and offered him a share in the profits if he stays through the end of the project. It would mean postponing graduate school a year. I think he’ll say yes. Robert and Mark were both surprised; they’d thought he was beyond appeal. If Justin stays, it could save our butts.

I’m having fun. I’m happy. God knows why. An objective observer would say I’m about to have my balls cut off.

Oh well, they’re not cut off yet. Maybe that’s why I feel happy. We may be out of gas, the road is steep and winding and treacherous, but at least I’m driving...

Big family reunion on the occasion of Grandma and Grandpa’s 65th wedding anniversary. Now I’m back and it seems like the weekend never happened, except I’ve got a speeding ticket from the Virginia police to prove I was there.

Composed a letter to Softbank, just in case they turn out to be our saviors. They want to come back on the 6th to have dinner.

Bill McDonagh agreed to give us the last $100K now. Thank God. I met with Mark and Charley this afternoon to figure out how we can make it stretch through the end of July. Tightrope days.

Called Jan Putnam, gave her the rest of the worldwide rights to play with. It felt good to take the decision on the spot, in the midst of the phone call, without consulting Jon or Tomi or Robert or anybody.

We need a million bucks to take us from August 1 to the end of the project. God knows where we’re going to get it.

For the first time in my life, I didn’t pay the full balance on my credit card bill this month.

Drove up to Broderbund with Netter, Robert, Mark, Noel and Justin, spent a tiring four hours taking the full tour with Brian (it was the first time the guys had been up there); met with Kira re localization, Bruce re marketing, and Lance re Windows 95; and picked up a hundred thousand dollar check.

Formed a plan for Smoking Car to continue past Express. Me and Tomi. Dragon followed by Express 2. That ought to be enough to rope in a CEO, a technical director, and a couple million bucks.

Am I up for it? Sure. If it’s not my own money at stake, and not all riding on my shoulders, it could be fun to do another title.

See how I’ve changed in two years!

Jan Putnam came up from L.A. Lunch with Mark Dyne, president of Sega-Ozisoft, who spun off financing ideas like a Roman candle throwing off sparks and picked up the check. My kind of guy.

I could lose the whole million. It wouldn’t be the end of the world. The main thing is to acquit myself with honor... give my all, do my best... and LEARN, learn, learn.

Notes for tomorrow:

• Be reassuring to Netter. He’s consumed with anxiety. He needs something positive and hopeful to focus on, to give him good energy.
• Float around the office asking questions, bringing people together, finding problems and shining a light on them.
• Shower Nicki with love.

Softbank is coming tomorrow.

Today was a 16-hour day for me. I left Robert, Mark, Noel and Justin at the office, still cranking away.

This demo has been a good thing for productivity. Major strides in the past two weeks. Today Patrick and I visited Donald, who’s on the verge of rendering the salon. I started putting Patrick’s salon and compartment renders into TEDIT. August and the Serbs are walking in the restaurant car. NIS 1011 is in. It’s starting to come to life.

We’ll be out of money by the end of July.

I’m bounding with energy and anxiety, and productive as hell.

A day to remember. Softbank demo went smashingly. We even impressed ourselves. This game is going to be amazing. For the first time, Robert and other people in the office could see The Vision. These last 24 hours of programming really pulled a lot of things together.

Dinner at La Folie. Jan and Robert and me with the Softbank contingent: Hashimoto-san, Kaji-san and Mark Hayama. I picked up the check: $420.

Earlier at the office, Jan had said: “Our target is a 50,000 unit guarantee at a royalty of $12 or 10% of retail, whichever is higher.” They said they’d have to think about it. At dinner Hashimoto-san said: “We accept your offer.” I think Jan was so stunned she couldn’t respond. Thirty seconds later, Hashimoto-san and I were toasting to the success of our new partnership. The dinner was a love-fest. Without the language barrier it wouldn’t have been the same. I was charming as hell, which is easy to do when someone is heaping flattery on you and giving you $600,000.

Robert’s definitely going to Boston. He’ll stay to the end of Express and then he’ll go do Underground on his own. It’s good to have that clear. I’m feeling warmly toward Robert these days.

Offered Jon Thompson a full-time staff position.

Overall, I’d say things are looking up.

Flew down to LA to spend five hours with Elia going over music cues. I’m beat. I haven’t slept much this week.

Jan left a message saying Softbank has agreed to pay $1.5 million for PlayStation rights. 200,000 units at $7.50 royalty. $300K now, the rest later. Are they insane??

Faced the hard cold reality re Donald. He will never finish this alone.

Dinner with Robert and Patrick at Fog City Diner. Eliminated the [train car] platforms over a bottle of Chateauneuf-du-Pape.

Home stretch. Seven months left.

Patrick, Robert and I visited Donald and presented him with the schedule we need to meet for the train renders. He opined that it was doable.

“No, Donald, it isn’t,” I said.

We talked about all kinds of solutions and left Donald to think it over.

Five minutes after I walked back into the office, the phone rang. Donald suggested we move Patrick and Graham into his laundry room for the next four months. Hallelujah! This might just save our asses.

Robert and I both hammered on Mark and Noel to impress on them a sense of urgency.

Last night I got a call from Noel asking to meet early this morning. Oh, hell. Please, not another crisis.

Saturday we moved Patrick into Donald’s laundry room. It was incredibly romantic. It was one of those hot days that you only get four or five of a year. We split up. Patrick and I picked out desks at Busvan, brought them over, assembled them on the front porch. Mark and David and Marabeth put up blinds and laid down carpet. Back to the office to pick up Robert, three Macs and four monitors.

Smoking Car North is up and running.

Turns out Noel’s problem isn’t with me, it’s with Robert. It’s a rivalry problem, which isn’t the worst it could be. I talked to Robert about it yesterday on Donald’s porch, again last night when he phoned me distraught in the middle of the movie (Chaplin) I was watching with Patrick. Like a country doctor, I put on my shoes and drove over to the office at midnight to meet Robert and pledge my support.

“Christmas in February”: that’s our new rallying cry.

Cathy Carlston is dead. The memorial service is tomorrow.

Smoking Car North seems to be functioning. Tempers are running high about everything pertaining to Donald. Patrick flared up yesterday after Cathy’s memorial service, walked out on Robert and me in a café on Powell Street. Today we patched it up and ascribed it to cultural differences.

Tape arrived from Elia with orchestral music cues. It’s thrilling.

I played it for Donald and Marabeth. It changed Donald’s whole mindset. He was as excited as a kid. For the first time, I could see he believed the project really was bigger than just his renders.

I kind of feel the same way. The music makes it real somehow.

I’m playing Elia’s music nonstop.

The game’s gonna be amazing; I can visualize the whole thing now. I just wanna get there...

Three months and one week till beta. That’s what the calendar says. But O man, time is short.

In my mind I’ve already let go of the train simulator. Something had to give. Focus on the fights to give Part 5 structure. Link NIS “Chase Begins” and “Chase Ends” to form one mega-NIS. No one will know it’s missing. All we really need is the mini-train simulator after NIS 1315, when all you have to do is start the train (and the game) going again. Put the energy into that little puzzle. (Sigh.)

What I really care about is the mesh of renders and animation, OTISes and NISes, dialog and music and sound. The creation of a 3D interactive world full of people, as no game has ever achieved it. Sure, a train simulator would be nice; a talking map would be nice; the bomb puzzle and the beetle puzzle and the Kronos desk puzzle could be little gems in their own right... but you gotta pick your battles.

Drove Patrick to the airport last night to meet Sandrine and her little stepsister Lucie. Man, he was a basket case. It was sweet... Anyway, she’s back safely and tonight we’re throwing her a surprise birthday party (two months late).

Two slammin’ days at work. Today Netter was back.

Wednesday I took Noel into Jon’s office and had a passionate heart-to-heart, employer-to-employee talk. The flash point was the plane tickets he won’t get to use on the vacation we’ve denied him and who will pay? I said I’d pay for the f*cking tickets.

That’s four employees I’ve seen in tears on this project so far, not counting actors.

The vibe is good, I’d say. Slow in some ways, but the key people are jammin’.

A difficult situation with Jon Hamren. He’s offering to lend us the $125,000 we’ll need to make it through the lean months of August until the Softbank money comes through; but at a fairly usurious interest rate, plus extra points on the back end, plus personal guarantees six ways to Sunday. What he really wants is to be more a part of Smoking Car, with equity in the company; but I haven’t exactly responded with open arms, neither has Tomi, and I think that may have hurt his feelings.

Listening to Elia’s last NIS tape. 90 minutes of music he’s given us. Wow.

Jon will lend us $125,000 for 2 additional back-end points, plus $2,500/month interest, up to $3,000/month if it goes longer than 3 months. I wish I didn’t have to take it, but I do. And hope he doesn’t change his mind.

Called a meeting of the profit participants and with great solemnity announced the deal with Jon. It was a good thing to do. It woke everybody up, especially the programmers. They were outraged: “What? Two percent?!”

Suddenly they’re working harder than ever.

This might just be the most motivating two percent I ever gave away.

Eileen called from New York. She’s in training in the Catskills for the Mortal Kombat road show.

Made a tape for Softbank today. It’s looking pretty damn good, actually. Son-san should be impressed.

John Hollingsworth came to the office and we met him in person, finally. Nice, smart guy. We drove up to Broderbund together. I talked so much, we missed the exit and didn’t realize it until we were in Petaluma.

Our meeting with Tom and Ken about the Japanese versions turned out to be about something else entirely. I won’t write about it now, because it’ll just get me steamed and then I won’t be able to sleep.

Working towards the voice recording, Wednesday and Thursday.

Nicki’s back. Yay! We have an art department again.

Last night Mark and I drove to Berkeley to meet Les Blank and see three of his short documentaries. I don’t think he’s a very good fit for us, Making Of-wise. Too bad.

Tom Marcus called me Friday evening wanting to make up. I had breakfast with him Saturday morning at Ella’s. I think he’s cracking under the pressure of opening Broderbund’s European office. I don’t know what to do.

Lunch with Bill McDonagh at Cantina.

Today was the first day of Voice Recording II. Tomorrow will be the second day.

Today was Monday and the week started anew with Robert back, Justin back, and everyone up in arms because Donald didn’t do the renders this weekend.

Dinner with Patrick and Robert at Bistro Méditerranée. We solved the world’s problems over couscous (“the world” being defined as the intersection of Smoking Car North and Smoking Car Jackson St.).

“How’s your girlfriend?” Sandrine asked me.

“She’s not my girlfriend,” I said, like a sixth-grader.

“Too bad. I like her the best of all of them.”

Patrick enumerated: “She’s 30, she’s straight, she’s single, she saves people’s lives (which is more important even than making a computer game), she can play the guitar better than you, and she’s Jewish. You could marry her. So of course you’re not in love with her.”

“You think you’re pretty smart,” I said.

“I’ve just known you long enough to know you only fall in love when one of you already has a plane ticket.”

Tuesday Tomi came back. Wednesday we heard pitches from two production companies vying for the chance to do the trailer and “Making Of.”

Third Softbank demo (for Mark Hayama) went smoothly.

Donald still hasn’t delivered the corridor renders.

Robert and I paid him a visit and brought Patrick into the room and thank God we did, because we stopped Donald from making about six different mistakes that could — any one of them — have prevented us getting the renders by tomorrow morning... which, finally (touch wood), it looks like we may.

Closer Supervision from now on.

Hugo Pratt is dead.

Today was a full-on day.

localization budget, john hollingsworth, tom marcus, ken goldstein, dubbing vs. subtitling

nicole, the artists are restless, javier is leaving to take another job, when will it end? need a plan, galvanize the art dept. into action

nicole needs to learn to delegate. there is no number two.

softbank, imagineer, jan, mr kamikura must have this title, he will pay any price, where was he six weeks ago?

donald, patrick, render madness

monday start the mix at poolside

It’s time (as usual) for me to step up to the plate, Show Leadership, bind everybody together and get them focused on the task at hand and give them hope for the future and

What Happens After Express?

It may be a question whose time has come.

A hell of a week in which I wasn’t even there. I was at Poolside, sitting at Dave’s elbow pre-mixing NISes for ten hours Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and eight hours today. It’s going to be a kick-ass soundtrack.

I could write pages about mixing, but

really, what’s happening with Grabface is more important; we’re ramping up that department in a big way

As is the news that Brian is leaving Broderbund after 15 years, and why

and the conversation I had with Ken Goldstein last night (using Poolside’s fax machine for a phone)

and Donald, who had a visit from Jordan and Patrick and Robert at seven o’clock this evening and ended up pleasantly surprised (“I thought you were coming over here to blast me, but instead you just came to tell me what to do”)

and Patrick’s birthday party at Doug and Tomi’s Tuesday night, and George and Suzanne’s visit and...