Year 3: 1995

Tea with Lisa and Ginny in Brooklyn. Lisa was in much better spirits than at Christmas. She’s not tracking time or place too well, but everything she says is true; you just need to turn it around a little to make sense of it. Like the conversations you have in a dream. If you focus on the surface logic (or lack thereof), you miss the real content.

Three days back at work and, wow, I’m still standing.

Got in Monday night, happy to see S.F., drove Patrick and Sandrine and Tomi up to Fairfax, cooked dinner there and took a hot tub in the light rain. Ah California!

Tuesday was the first day back. Got up to speed pretty quick. Brian called to remind me I’d been nominated for a MacUser Eddy. We went to the awards but didn’t win.

Showed the game to Denis Friedman, and John Evershed.

The atmosphere at the office is intense. Progress is slow but steady.

Yesterday (Friday) Elia Cmiral came to the office and stayed the whole day. I liked him. I think he’ll be good. The problem, as usual, is how to get him the information he needs to do his job?

I spent all day today in the office writing up new versions of the screenplay and linear screenplay and NIS cross-reference spreadsheets, to try to communicate — not just to Elia but also to the sound designer, Nicki, Terry, and everyone else — just how these NISes fit into the story and the game as a whole. Long overdue. There’s too much info that exists in my head and no place else.

“Don’t you have anything better to do than spend your Saturday here?” Terry asked.

“No,” I said.

Dinner with Mark Netter, Elia and his wife at Mifune. Days of toil, nights of gladness.

I’ve been spending my driving and home time listening to violin and piano music for the concert sequence. I’m liking the Franck sonata (A major), though the Brahms D minor is still a contender.

Dinner with Robert at Greens after the gym. We drank a bottle of wine and played pool. He’s in an alpha state from being in love. I kept having to scrape him off the ceiling. Me, I’m just plugging away on this mammoth project that leaves no room in my life for anything or anyone else.

Saw Linda Fiorentino at the gym. She’s in town shooting Jade.

The negotiation with Broderbund (Tom) drags on.

I’m broke.

This project is HUGE.

Elia came in with a $30K bid, which is pretty much exactly what we were hoping for. So, we’ve got our composer!

This project is huge. Have I mentioned that lately? We’ll be lucky if it comes in at 2 million bucks.

I tied Netter and RAC down and forced them to watch me create a budget and cash flow in Excel. Out of the three of us, I turn out to be the business guy. It’s sobering: Even with the $600K from Broderbund, we’ll need another infusion of cash within just a few months — April, if not before. The total cost is up to $2.2 million for the PC version (assuming we ship in September); if we keep the office going through the end of the year, that adds another $250K. No chance I get back any of my $1 million before 1996.

I don’t think I want to do this again. Once is enough.

I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed by it all.

Life is bigger than this project. Remember that. I can lose the million bucks and life will go on. However it ends, I can still write, I can still live and love and have adventures... and six years ago, that was all I ever wanted to do. I’m doing it now. It would be a shame to get so stressed out I forget to enjoy it.

Morris is here. Thank God for Morris. My biggest wish is that between Morris, Mark, bookkeeper and office manager, they can take the whole business/budgeting/producing/office/administrative end of things off my plate and leave me (and Robert) free to concentrate on making this game better.

Read some of my old journals from 1990-92. I wonder what I’ll think, years from now, looking back on 1995?

Journals are all well and good if they help you to focus on the present, to appreciate it, to live it fully; to stay open to possibilities, grab the brass ring when it comes by...

I’m going skiing next weekend.

I must be run down. Tomi, Robert and Mark all looked at me closely today and said “You look tired” or “You look sick.” I suppose I’m pretty stressed out.

Tom Marcus is dragging his feet, shows no urgency to get this deal done. Bill Jones was up from LA yesterday and Tom “couldn’t” meet with him. We expected that $600K weeks ago, and the contract still looks at least two weeks away from closing.

I’m tapped out. All the money’s gone.

We owe $40,000 in back payroll taxes.

Tomi can lend me another $50K, but that’s the limit. I hate owing her money.

We’re going to need to make some sort of licensing deal almost immediately, like in the next two or three months. The Broderbund money will only see us through April.

We’re behind schedule. Everyone’s clamoring for more people, more equipment. The budget stands at $2 million. We’re trying to keep it down, but it looks more like going up.

I have my private doubts as to the likelihood of making Christmas, even for the PC version.

Add to that the usual worries of surmounting technical obstacles, solving problems, making it work, getting it done, much less making it good...

With 15 strong-willed, big-egoed people working long hours in a too-crowded space, tempers tend to run high. It’s still a struggle, for some reason, getting Mark and Noel to come in before noon.

Contracts, accounting, bookkeeping, insurance, budget are still not quite in place.

At this point, we’re really incredibly vulnerable. It wouldn’t take much of a setback to shut us down.

Yesterday I went down to my car at 7:45 am and found all four tires and the roof slashed. It’ll cost about $3,000 to repair.

I’m really looking forward to going skiing.

Today things seem to be looking up.

Had a good dinner with Robert yesterday in North Beach. Coppola and his wife were at the next table.

Bill Jones spent much of today on the phone with Tom. It looks like we’re finally headed somewhere.

Friday morning Netter and I drove up to Novato to meet Doug and Tomi at the airfield. We flew to Aspen in 2 ½ hours, landed at a little private airport that felt more like a bed and breakfast than an airport terminal. The rental Jeep was waiting, we drove 10 minutes to the ranch gate and 10 more minutes through the ranch and there we were again in Paradise.

Two days of perfect skiing.

An especially intense week at Smoking Car. But aren’t they all.

Sandrine’s gone back to France. After nearly a year! We were worried about getting her out, since her visa waiver was only for three months, but there was no problem.

Patrick and I have been working late together. He was still there when I left the office at 1 a.m.

I’m freaking out.

Breathe deeply. Breathe. Don’t panic.

You wanted intense? You got it. Stay with it.

Cast of characters:

“The Stars” : Mark N, Robert, Patrick, Nicole, Mark M, Donald, Jordan. How close are each of these people to cracking?

“The Workers” : Justin, Noel, Juliana, Anita, Terry. How many more just like them do we need?

“The Unknowns” : Jerzy, Elia, Mystery Sound Designer. Will they deliver?

“The Cogs” : Dan, Charles, John, Corby.

And others, still to be recruited...

Flew down to Burbank with Patrick for George’s screening at the Writers Guild theater. The movie was good. It packed a surprising emotional wallop.

Today we edited the concert scene, with real music inhaled by the AVID from DAT.

Valentine’s Day party on the roof deck. All the lights of the San Francisco skyline were turned on for Jade (shooting at the Fairmont). Everyone at the party wondered why. Only I knew it was our Franny’s handiwork.

Tempers started to crack today. Mark, Nicki, Patrick and I were snarling at each other; Terry and Robert remained cheery and unflappable. It’s the long hours taking their toll. And on a sunny Saturday too.

Mark, Robert and I finished off the night with a bottle of wine over pizza at Tommasso’s. “Winning takes a lot out of you,” Mark remarked.

Got to remember to praise Nicki more. She needs it. Mark too, actually.

Stress.

• Programming is way behind schedule.
• Everything other than programming is moderately behind schedule.
• Broderbund contract is still not signed.
• Out of money, as usual.
• Charles is not doing a good job. Mark is afraid to fire him; Robert is touchy about it because he’s his cousin. Does that mean I have to do it?

• I’m in a vulnerable position in so many ways, more than I ever have been. The slightest tremor could bring my whole house of cards tumbling down.
• I owe $1,500 worth of unpaid parking tickets. I haven’t picked up my laundry in a month. My dentist fired me for cancelling too many appointments.

Got up early, paid all my parking tickets. A Kafkaesque experience.

Final stages of editing NISes. It’s Terry and Nicki and me. I’m meeting Mark at 8 am tomorrow to show him some scenes and get his editing two cents.

The weather’s gorgeous. I’m horny as hell.

Terry’s gone. Robert and Patrick are gone till Monday. It’ll be just me and Claire, the new editor. Our goal is to get the tape done (for Elia and Poolside) by Monday. 150-odd NISes, time-code-locked with placeholders. Yowza!

My other goal is to sign the Broderbund contract on Friday.

Dani got into Berkeley.

My first day editing with Claire. Frustrating.

There’ll be no contract by Friday. I’m so fed up you can’t imagine.

Reread Bird of Paradise for the first time in ages. I could see its flaws clearly. Next time I’ll do better. I want to write something new.

Finished the editing yesterday. I recut scene 1313 all by myself after the editor and assistant editor had left. It took me hours but I finally learned how to use the AVID. High time.

John (the assistant) is there now preparing the ¾” dub.

I’ll be so happy to be out of this phase.

Lunch at Nanking with Patrick and Sandrine. It was great to see Sandrine. She made me miss Paris.

I’ll be seeing Elia in LA on Sunday to talk about music. He’s leaving for Prague Monday morning.

Lisa died this afternoon. Dad called to tell me. The service is Friday. I’ll miss it. I don’t know what to do except dedicate the game to her.

Got the NIS tape out. Major milestone. It was a thrill to see it assembled, on a TV screen, all at once. Tomi was thrilled too.

The big meeting at Broderbund with Tom and Ken on their side and Bill, Jon, Robert and me on ours. We were in that conference room for five full hours. It was exhausting. Only afterwards did I realize how spent I was.

Bill was so right; a face-to-face meeting was what it took. We should have done that two months ago. Barring unforeseen complications, we should sign it on Wednesday.

And not a moment too soon.

[LA] It was good to spend a few hours with Elia going over the tape. There’s no substitute for face-to-face communication. He’s going to Prague for two weeks. I’m excited, can’t wait till he gets back and gets started on the music.

[SF] Cold sunny day. Stopped by the Sheraton Palace to visit Franny. The editors [of Jade] showed me the Lightworks system and a couple of scenes that had already been edited.

Cold rain pouring down. Met Robert and Mark at Bechelli’s for breakfast, then to Poolside to get Dave and Christophe started. I think we’re in good hands, sound-wise.

Met my new dentist, Tomi’s recommendation. Got clean teeth now.

Yesterday was Friday. Brian showed up in the afternoon with a contract signed by Tom Marcus and a $600,000 check. I signed my name and we celebrated with two bottles of good champaign. Hallelujah!

I took Catherine out to dinner at Café Macaroni, and to Rassala for some not-bad jazz.

Tonight Patrick and Sandrine cooked dinner in Fairfax, Tomi made a pie, Florence and I helped. There was a fire. It was cozy and hearthlike.

Morale is good since Brian and Bruce and Rima’s visit yesterday galvanized everyone into sudden focus on the CGDC conference that’s just one month away. It’s what we needed: a finite, tangible, attainable goal.

I’ve started selecting OTISes with Claire. It’s good to have that under way.

Today Noel got the first test NIS up and running in sync.

Poolside has begun Foleying the NISes. Dave says it’s going well.

Nicole is back from helping her parents, whose house got flooded by the rains.

We fired Corby. Dana is doing well on Grabface. We hired a new senior artist.

My big job now, aside from making sure the game is a masterpiece and that it ships, is to make the office a happy place. Radiate love on everybody. Find the things that bind us together and to the project, and emphasize those. Prefer positive reinforcement to punishment, praise to criticism. Don’t give in to paranoid fears that they’re not working hard enough or aren’t loyal or are screwing up. Think about what they’re getting out of it; try to make it worth their while. As Doug said: Love them, but don’t care if they love you.

Whatever else it may be about, for me, this project is about learning how to be a leader. It’s a chance that may never come again in such extreme and dramatic form. Make the most of it!

Reasons to keep writing in this journal:

• It makes amusing reading a couple of years later.

Reasons to quit:

• Someday someone might read it.

I seem constitutionally unable to let go of any part of my past. I’m like the replicants in Blade Runner.

Today I decided to get rid of Claire. She’s driving me nuts. The prospect of firing someone, knowing that she knows that the reason she’s getting fired is me, nauseates me, but it’s better to get it over with. This whole AVID editing thing has really left a bad taste in my mouth.

Patrick and I walked over to Donald’s this afternoon. Patrick is seriously disgruntled. I tried to draw out of him the reason why and finally he said:

“Who can be happy in an unhappy place?”

“You don’t like the office?”

“Who can like it?”

“How many offices have you worked in?”

“Well, one.”

I told him all the things I thought were good about Smoking Car.

“You’re a good salesman,” he said. “I’m not in the mood to argue with you — something which is very difficult these days, by the way — so go on living in your dream world.”

After that, Mark and I went over to Poolside. That cheered me up. The sound is really going to bring this thing to life. The great part of it is, Dave and his band are doing it. It’s concrete progress, measured in weeks rather than months; they know what they’re doing, they’re enjoying it, and they’re not whining.

A ray of hope: Sandra Levinson got a call from Dennis Hays at the State Dept. asking about Yoana. Could it be that out of all those phone calls, telegrams, congressmen, etc., one finally hit the mark? Fingers crossed.

Party at Patrick and Sandrine’s for Smoking Car. It was great, really the right thing, to kick back with everyone in a relaxed atmosphere. I owe Sandrine one. It wouldn’t have been the same if I’d thrown a party at my place; it would have been the boss’s place. As it was, it was perfect.

It rained hailstones today at nine-thirty when I was walking to work. I took shelter under an awning along with a whole street full of Chinese people. We watched while the volume increased and the stones rattled and bounced on the pavement and off the roofs of cars. It made a tremendous racket.

Everything at the office is mechanized now. There’s almost nothing for me to do. I can’t make it go faster, so I retire behind my desk and tinker.

There was an article in today’s paper about Spielberg, Geffen and Katzenberg’s new company making a deal with Microsoft. Tomi passed by and kicked me and said: “This is the article you should be reading, you dope. This could have been you but you didn’t want to.” She went into her office. She’s still mad I didn’t do the United Artists startup company with her and Jon.

Smoking Car has been great. I wouldn’t undo any of it, even if it’s a total disaster and I lose my million bucks. But three years in an office is enough. Three years of being the boss is enough. I can stand it all right, but it doesn’t give me much joy.

It’s one thing to do a project that takes six months or a year or two; you can work with your friends and your enemies, and when it’s over your friends are still your friends. But once it hardens into that rigid thing, a company, a structure with you at the top and everybody living in it together — that I don’t want. I want to be free. I want my life back.

You can live surrounded by your friends, or you can live surrounded by your employees, and then you die.

All I want is to finish Express. Vindication, salvation, release. Followed by freedom. Is that so much to ask?

Last night I went to the office and found Patrick and Sandrine and Claire all working. It was fun. Different from the daylight hours. We spoke French. It was like playtime.

Network disaster. Just what we needed.

Network disaster worse than initially thought. Art department lost a week of work.

Network disaster worse than ever thought possible. Maybe two weeks’ work lost. We may fire Andrei.

“I can’t help feeling that Andrei is being sacrificed to Robert’s lack of paranoia,” Mark remarked at Poolside. I didn’t say anything.

Aside from that, everything is great. Patrick and the programmers have become total studs. Dave at Poolside seems to have a grip on things. Even Claire is now doing fine.

Rough day. Rough week.

We fired Andrei. I feel bad about it. He’s a good kid. He was just in over his head. He came from a big company and wasn’t used to having so much responsibility and pressure. He worked around the clock, he worked like a demon, really enthusiastic and eager.

“He needed fathering,” Patrick said in his characteristic way, “and Robert is too much of a kid himself to father anyone.”

That’s harsh, but accurate. I’ve got to back Robert up and give him my total support, I can’t undermine my right-hand man, and he is learning; but oh, I wish he’d learn faster.

Mom and Dad spent the day at the office. Dad is freaked out by the project’s size and cost. He thinks it’s out of control and doesn’t see how we can raise another $600K in time.

$1.1M from JM + $800K from Broderbund + $600K from ? = $2.5M total

And what if it’s not $2.5, but closer to $3, by the time we’ve missed Christmas and pushed to January, February, March?

Oh, the energy it takes to keep wanting things to go well, to keep making them go well... when the alternative, disaster, is so easy and so alluring. If we had the money, I know we could do it. But we don’t. But I have to keep behaving as if we did.

“Don’t worry,” I told Robert today in my calmest and most authoritative voice. “This project will be funded right through to the end. You just worry about everything else but that.”

The good thing is, today Mark got the OTISes up and running. It’s going to be beautiful. It’s going to be a thing of beauty. If only, if only, if only.

I feel like we’re the Wild Bunch.

Today was Friday, but felt like Saturday because the whole office was so empty. Nicki, Claire, Tomi, Juliana, Netter, Robert, and Moran all missing.

Noel and I stayed late and got a lot done. Patrick and I went to visit Donald.

Conversations with Ken Goldstein yesterday and today. The Big Question has come up: Is this a Christmas product or no? If I say no, the consequences are immediate: they’ll probably call off the CGDC demo. This could be bad for internal morale if it’s not handled just right. On the other hand, how can I say yes, when it’s obvious the answer is eventually going to be no?

It’s time to admit that this is not a Christmas title.

Netter asked me on the phone yesterday (after he got my message in his father’s hospital room) how long to do this, and this, and this. I said:

Character logic... 3 months

Puzzles and fights... 2 months

Playtesting... 2 months

That puts us in November. Allowing for the usual slippage, we could be shipping in January.

Yesterday we gave up the ghost of Christmas and rescheduled the release to January 1996. Whew. All in all, I’d say that went well.

Patrick is the current MVP. He’s saving asses right and left. I love him.

I said to Robert yesterday: “Let’s have dinner.”

He said: “Why don’t we just have a fistfight?”

Big confrontation with Mark and Noel today about their compensation. I’m leaning toward just giving them what they want.

Made a deal with Mark and Noel. Call me a soft touch, but if they come through, it’s worth it. If they don’t, we’ve got bigger problems.

Dinner with Robert. Mended fences. “At least we didn’t punch each other out,” said Robert when we parted.

Aiming to get rid of the Avid by Sunday.

The vibe is good. Robert has been cheerful since our dinner Wednesday. Mark and Noel are working around the clock since we made our deal. Claire and I are working well together. (Today we surprised her with flowers and E-Clairs because it was her last day.) We burned through the Cath Reaction Shots (which I’d been dreading) in a few hours. Restaurant and Salon Walks and OTISes are better than ever. We’ve got it down.

Today Donald sent the first rough restaurant renders. It’s beautiful. He’s been working around the clock too.

Patrick left this morning for a week in the desert with Sandrine and Tomi and Doug. I’ll miss him.

Got the OTIS/Walk spreadsheets marked.

Tonight I even had time to start putting my personal finances in order. I was months behind on balancing my checking account. I managed to scrounge up $20K more to put into Smoking Car. That should see us through the May 1 payday. After that we’re broke again.

This feels like the shoot. I’m short on sleep, running on adrenaline, rolling out of bed in the morning and heading to the office without even stopping to shave. My stomach’s constantly upset, when I try to sleep my mind won’t stop churning, my head is full of Express; but with all that, I feel good. It’s exciting.

The CGDC started yesterday.

Gorgeous weather. Too bad I’m experiencing it from inside the office.

The project advances.

Carole called. Her father, Gérard, is dead. It was a real shock. I’ve got to call Frédérique in Israel.

I’m seeing double. I need more sleep, more sun, more everything except this project and this office.

The Avid is finally wrapped. Five months and $80,000 later. Incredible.

Today I reconciled Charley and Mark. Maybe now we’ll have a budget.

Every day needs to be saved, and usually it falls to me to be the savior. I just want two days off. Saturday and Sunday. That’s all I ask. But when?

Jan Putnam came up from LA and we showed her the game — which, after three days of round-the-clock programmers, looks for the first time like it might someday be a game.

Big talk with Robert last night. He told me how he hasn’t been happy, etc. Maybe now things will go better.

Big Questions:

• Where to find the $100,000 to see us through the next month?
• Where to find the $800,000 to see us through to completion?
• What happens after Express? Do Robert, Netter, Mark and Noel, Nicki, Patrick, Tomi and I all go their separate ways? Or do enough of us stay to keep Smoking Car alive into the future?
• When will I be free?

Mark Netter’s dad died yesterday. Mark is on his way home.

Today I finished the Part 1 character logic and started playing with TEDIT.

Patrick and Tomi both suggested: Why not sell Smoking Car to Doug?

Dinner with Ken Goldstein. I threw myself on his mercy.

A lot has happened.

Wednesday: Cranking to get the demo done. Brian spent the whole day at the office. We put the demo on his machine.

Elia sent the first demo tape of the opening sequence.

Thursday morning I went to Donald’s and we talked out the contract. Whew. I think we’re OK. Donald gave me The Russia House CD to listen to. He said Elia’s music reminded him of it.

Robert and I stayed late at the office, worked up a plan for the next milestone.

Friday morning was the company meeting. In Mark’s absence it fell to me to lead it.

At the end of the day Ken Goldstein called and told us he’d cut us a check for $100K on June 1, earlier than agreed. Hallelujah!

Today we went to visit Jerzy at his military base studio, Nicki and Patrick and Mark and I.

The last few days have been great for puzzle and interface design.

Jon is lending us $50K to cover the 15 days until Broderbund’s $100K comes through. Good of him.

Robert is being good. Morale is good. Everyone seems cheerful.

Come July, we’re [screwed].

[12:45 am] On the phone with Sonitrol and Liz, trying to straighten it out. I’m in bed, it’s raining. Is it OK to leave the office unguarded overnight? I think not.

[1:30 am] Couldn’t sleep, pulled out my journals from two years ago.

Roads not taken: Dany and Delphine. Tomi, Robert, Jon and Jordan; Black Cat Productions. How different life could have been.

I wonder how much of the current strain on me comes from having my entire fortune of $1.1 million sunk into this thing with no salvation in sight.

Am I sorry? Not yet. I wanted intense, I got intense.

Six months from now we should have a product, or damn close to it.

After January the future gets cloudy. Where will I be a year from now?